I've been thinking a lot lately. like a lot. Different days, different worries and thoughts. I hate how much I overthinking. But I couldn't stop, it's like there's giant cycle in my head with a typewriter who keeps writing away my thoughts. it never put it in a good box. it let the thoughts flew right through the window. like I stood in a train today, I looked out of the window, watching the clouds and other train passed by, I was in a deep thought. when I arrived into a station, I leave my thoughts there. I didn't decided to pick it up and assemble it here cause it would a mess. a mess to spill it all out here. you see my thoughts are like a giant web which you don't know the starting point. and I gotta tell you honestly (since there's not much of people reading my blog), I found myself getting scared of a relationship.

I find that relationship is intimidating.

and this time around, I won't blame anyone. it's just me. now I know why keep single out myself from people who wants to get know me. I was actually living in denial where I said to myself that I'm okay with somebody if they wanted to get to know me and I want that. and when it happened, I found myself struggling to believe in myself in building a relationship. mind you that I've been living a single life since forever so, when I suddenly jumped into someone and that someone expects me to text him 24/7, I couldn't accept that. it's such a ridiculous tradition to have a perspective like that. but I did fell into him at the same time which that is one of the problems. I always have this self-doubt on myself. which was why every time he texted me, I replied a bit late like 2-3 days after because I don't believe in myself in a relationship. every time I think about it, I keep thinking 'can I do this?'

what if you met someone, but you afraid of the commitment that you need to take. what if you met someone who's almost, almost perfect but when you compare yourself him, you're not up to his level? what if what he has is also almost perfect but when you look in your life, your life sucks. literally everything. turn out that you're just one of the daydreamers who keeps sleeping on the wrong side of the bed? what if, his life is amazing while you're keep pacing back and forth, trying to fix what has been broken? what if you tried to change your life while you know the fact that your life is reality, you, is a reality. what if you're not confident that you can take a relationship into another stage?

what if,

he's not the one that you're looking for?

and he finally stopped. getting to know me. well, at least I got know how long this hazy blurry relationship last. we still weren't in a second level you know. still in a beginner level. and I bet his had enough for waiting my texts 2-3 days in a week every night. I did feel sad but I've learnt.

learning of letting go.

because at the end of the day I know, it isn't the man that I fell with, is the problem. I am my own problem. and I'll to figure out myself on how to pick myself up again, how not to get scared and intimidated in a relationship one day. I will learn InsyaAllah. but I thank to Allah for giving me a chance to fix on what I need to learn. I'd never stop praying about a future husband and when He answered it, I know I need to learn more and I've got a long way to go.

and in fact, I promised myself not to live in regrets so, I want to avoid indulge self-pity. maybe he wasn't the one for me. but enough to fill my happiness in an empty love-box for a while. I thank him for that.

and I thank Allah for letting me getting to know him. even just for a while.

“Every morning we get a chance to be different. A chance to change. A chance to be better. Your past is your past. Leave it there. Get on with the future part…”

—	Nicole Williams, Lost and Found