First and foremost, I wish all of you have a very
blessed Ramadhan in this holy month. Can’t believe we’re already halfway
through Syawal. May Allah bless us all, Amin.
So, here the catch..
I need to recall back my previous entry. This is why I
hate to put myself in semi-hiatus you know. All my words were lost. Now, I have
to trace back all the things I want to say.
Part 1 –
scattered universe
I’ve been sharing some of my favourite things and
hobbies or my favourite playlists with someone else. And it’s quite
uncomfortable. Because sharing things like are big for me. Sharing my favourite
playlist is like sharing my whole world to someone else. And I’m not ready to
lose that if something happened. that’s why I said, I’ve gone too far. I didn’t
mean to share too much.
Mind you that I can be quite secretive. I don’t
believe in attention. I don’t call out boys and girls just to let them see how
I live my life. That’s why I share my blog with few people. Probably those are
one of the lucky few. (pfft..lucky la
sangat)
Anyway, move on to
Part 2 –
pre-preparation
Recently, I’ve been reading some books related to
marriage by Hilal Asyraf and it’s quite interesting to broaden you knowledge in
that aspects. So now, why I have the urge to read marriage-related books?
1.
I find it books help me a lot in
finding the solutions.
-because I always not quite sure of myself and in making
decision. Sometimes, I’m an indecisive person. Very hard to choose and complicated
to make a decision. when someone told me there’s someone wants to get to know
me, I panicked a bit. I keep praying to Him, why should I do? Should I reject
it or accept it?
2.
You can’t escape.
-as a normal human being, you can’t help yourself but to
think about it. besides, marriage is a cycle of life. You can’t stop talking
about it until you are in the situation. And the next stages will come such as
kids, husband, cooking, family, etc. (though I hate to think of those things)
3.
Gain extra effort
-
I don’t want to sit and wait for my
other half to come, asking for a marriage and straight away getting married. I
want to prepare myself as well so that I will be able to know what to expect,
the dos and donts. Because I know, I’m not perfect. I want to work on that.
nobody’s perfect I know. But might as well you try your best kan..?
Indulging myself in these kinds of books or Putting
myself in this situation doesn’t mean that I have found the right one, it’s the
things that we took for an action. So that you wouldn’t panic in the future, so
that you know the real purpose of marriage. perhaps, He knows that I’m starting to losing
faith on marriage. To be honest with you, before this, I find it hard to
believe in marriage. Though I observed my parents, they living a happy life
like nobody care. The old happy couple always make me jealous idk why. And I
wanted that. I wanted why both of my parents have. but still, I don’t find marriage
can solve the solutions, any kinds of solutions. That’s why I’d rather spend my
time alone, single life and worry-free. But somehow those aren’t something that
our religion encouraged. Thus, I bought these books because I wanted to get to
know more and to find answers. And maybe because I’ve been broken-hearted
before and listened to the ugly confessions or marriage life scared the hell
out of me. And of course, I keep praying to Him, to tell me the real purpose. I
had these kind of thinking, what should I do? I asked Allah to show me and tell
me that marriage isn’t scary as it looks before or after.
and somehow, Allah always has mercy on us. Along
figuring out what the real purpose of marriage is, He has given me this one
stranger, in order to encourage me to learn more about marriage. Alhamdulillah for
that.
He’s unpredictable and spontaneous. He’s such full of
surprises. It’s like I’ve known him for a very long time which is quite
dangerous to have that kind of attachment. I hate when the feeling start to
attach. He shut of me off for almost two weeks and then he appeared again which
caught me by surprise again. Because in those moments, I was ready to let
myself feel heartbroken again. I was frustrated for a while. Now, I’m thinking
that, what choices do I have left? I did have a second thought but, is it worth
to wait? While the chance is here, might as well I just grab it. I don’t know.
Love is unpredictable. Now whenever I pray to Him, I told him that I’m in a
position of openness. Which is, come what may. I don’t mind anymore as long
he’s the guy that will guide me into the end of this world and knows about Him
more than me. Cause I’ll follow him til wherever he will go. Cause I’ll have to respect him to whatever he
is. because I tell you honestly, only God knows of how I am. It’s not easy for
me to let my heart open again and then let my heart devotes to him forever and
after. It’s difficult. It’s not easy as you know the fact that you can do
almost everything since you don’t have much limit in terms of finance,
transport and whatever stuff. And I did once told my niece that I felt like I
didn’t want to get married, she shut me off quickly. It’s a sin. Big sin in
fact. You need to get married somehow. No matter how challenging and difficult
it is, you have to.
Like I said, now, I’m in a position of openness.
Come, what may come.
:)
Part 3 –
footnotes
8/7/2015
He knows scientific names for flowers. I think there’s
nothing more attractive than that. he
both spontaneous and unpredictable.
so it’s official then? Am I falling?
9/7/2015
Love is sweet when it falls in silence.
Don’t you think so?
No comments:
Post a Comment