A shine of hope

Things getting worse day by day. I could cry if I tell this part by part. Because sometimes, all I wanna do is give up. it’s easy to give up right? You just let go of everything and fuck what people say about you. I could cry if I’m thinking back all the things that happened to me even just looking at the white blank pages, sit silently. In the outside, I maybe look strong. deep inside. I’m bleeding. no one knows. I hate 2012. My vital certificate is lost, my laptop breaking down, finance problems, and stuff. Things happen absolutely ‘perfect’. And those are in just one month. I’m scared to face another day. Scared of what’s going to happen next. Scared to turn the pages and see if everything all rights. And sometimes, I wonder, why it has to be me?

There is the moment where I came across ‘I can’t do this anymore. I give up. I can’t handle this’ and thinking ‘somebody, please shoot me right now’. Silently I set my prayer. Ask for Allah’s help. Tell Him that I can’t do this anymore. But, He keeps giving more and more. The moment where I lost my hope and keep saying ‘my life is over’. I locked myself out from the real world, where there’s no hope. Usually, when I’m facing problems, I always have plan A, B or C. If I can’t go with plan A, then, I’ll go with plan B. but, there was one day when I realize sometimes in life. You don’t really have a Plan B or C. what if the only plan that works is plan A?

I was lost. I was thinking that my life was already scattered like a broken glass.

I lost hope.

Lose my appetite to eat. Sleeping disorder. Paranoid. Start to worry about everything.

Grateful that Ayah is the best man in the world. Helped me to carry the burden and console me. thanks Ayah. Mak started to worry too.  And this is where I suddenly realize that my housemates ARE my bestfriends. The ironic thing is you keep praising a friend that you think she is your best friend forever but when it came to this. You know that she’s not. I’ve spent my whole five years to earn that certificate. I tried my best to score in the exam to earn that damn certificate and all you gotta say is it’s not a big matter? I was in awe. Couldn’t believe it came through your mouth. While a friend that I thought just a so-so friend kept consoling me by saying ‘don’t worry. Together we’ll find it.’ Even though you cannot just believe hundred percent of what she’s saying but at least those words are promising.

Little did I know..when my soul is helpless and seemed lost in the dark. There is a hope. There is one hope. And yes. Because Allah never leaves me alone..

John called and set a procedure for me how to fill the form and apply for new certificate. I cried a bit. Felt touched and grateful. I realize that, the hope is always there. You have to find it and seek for it. There is someone who gives me hope and share the burden. John has done a very good job as a brother. He never says no. He’ll somehow figure out the problems for me. He knows that I’m the only younger sister that she had. He needs to take care of this spoiled brat. Maybe it was good thing that he lost his certificate too. Haha. Just want to say sometimes, we share the same fate.

But, thank You Allah. For these obstacles. Thank You for giving me such a good family. Thank You. For everything.

because you know you gotta stay strong.  =)