two thousand fifteen

To Amalina Ahmad

p/s: Baca smpai muntah :P

Assalamualaikum….

I know, it’s been a while. I’ve been putting on my blog on hiatus since I graduated. I am no longer stay at Lakeview Apartment in Ipoh. No longer eating meggi while watching pretty little liars, no longer plucking guitar whenever I want to, no longer making sushi to my housemates, no longer watching home movies with my housemates and no longer singing as loud as I can. Sure I miss all those things that I did back then. Of course, this blog is still alive as long as I live! Last night I’ve been thinking to update my blog with entries that I saved in the laptop. By the time I posted this, it’s new year eve already. Yes, 2015. Mann...I feel old. 24 years old and still single. damn I feel pathetic.. I know it sounds cliché but, how time flies.

I’m going to put one entry that I had completed during a big time break. The rest still remain unwritten, some of it is half-written that happened in 2014. I must say that 2014 wasn’t really a great year for me even for our country. One missing flight, one flight had been shoot down, one flight crashed down, and major flood in east coast but I’m not gonna give you a full detail about those things because I believe most of you were aware of what happened. But I have to say, 2014 wasn’t really a great year though some great things happened in a flash. I’m going to sum up right here. In the first place I was like ‘Oh God..I can’t believe I’m actually having a hard time to think of the good things that happened last year.’ Because honestly I tell you, I can’t help it but to say it wasn’t a good year. Let me list down some of things happened that were out of my luck.

Trying my best to remember all the little things that happened in last year..let’s start with the good things first shall we?

Good things happened in 2014:  

1.      I graduated, obviously. Been waiting for five and a half years for me to say that.

2.       went travel trip to Medan with shiron as my travel partner.

3.      Did some crazy and random things with housemates such as impromptu sing along with strangers at Recreation Park.

4.      Did exchange gifts with housemates and heart to heart talk.

5.      Reached my goal to complete reading books that I bought (KL Noir:white, Son Complex, Shopaholic and baby, Ajaib, Asrama, Kacau, Gantung, for one more day, etc)

6.      Handmade my dinner dress. I sketched and gave it to the tailor so, really thankful for that mak cik for making my dress dream came true..

7.      Successfully made an action research for Degree.

8.      Got a new nephew!

9.      Managed to minimized financial flow. I saved a lot you know until I couldn’t help but to screenshot the clothes, sneakers and bags that I like.

Not so great things happened in 2014:

1.      He, someone that I fell for, engaged with someone else.

2.      Depressed for someone that isn’t worth to be depressed for.

3.      Got the most terrible supervisor ever. I have to say, she’s quite great but still, spiteful.

4.      My car made most of problems

5.      Move to the new house. Which wasn’t really a new house and not really my house. My eldest brother’s house.

6.      Had to move back and forth like nuts just because I had two house. Now, alhamdulilah..not anymore. Mak missed her old house.

7.      Major flood in Kelantan. I cleaned the house non-stop with my family to get rid the slimy and smelly mud in the house.

8.      Still, single… -_________-

Aand that’s probably it. I’m going to attach an entry that I’ve kept on writing for ages so, happy reading!

Oh btw, happy new year! May Allah bless you for a fantastic days and coming!

Yours truly,

Rushy

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The decision

“There are actually a lot of things I want to share. I miss writing but I couldn’t figure out how I want it to be written. The words don’t come out easily you know. I need inspiration.cehhh…haha. but it’s true. Sometimes I wrote in my blog due to inner self that encourage me to spill out. There’s one time that I want to write but I don’t have such motivation or the right words to tell. And it has become a habit, I listen to songs when I write. It did somehow help me to find the right words and motivates me.

Again, there’s a lot I want to tell but, I couldn’t decide which one. Should I tell how my perception has changed about my new house? or should I tell you about how I spent my jobless life? Or tell you how it still awkward to speak full kelantanese with my own people? Or how I’ve been thinking a lot about myself? Future life and stuff. I’ve been thinking of writing a book but I don’t know what kind of genre. You see, I’m pretty much of indecisive kind of person. I took a long time to decide even when I go shopping. I couldn’t make a decision in a short time. Last time my friends and I sat of the Vincci shop for almost an hour waiting for me to decide whether I should take a slingbag or a clutch. One time I stood in front of counter to buy a drink, took me few minutes to decide which one was good. Sometimes stood crossed my arms thinking what kind of food I want to eat. That’s how bad I am with decision. But I’ve been practice to do not thinking too long. How? Well I don’t know how but I always said myself ‘don’t think too much’.

Moving on..

So I wanna to tell you that I’ve been thinking, a lot. Especially when I’m alone. Especially when most of my friends, are married. They have reached to their destination, happily-ever-after station. I’m actually pretty amazed how most of them were able to take another step further in their lives. I mean, marriage is a big step. A big leap that could change your life forever. Recently, my old friend surprised me with the news about my ex. He’s engaged and I felt happy for him. Well, I couldn’t help but laughed and still, I do really happy for him. Because I know, he’s not for me in the first place and he really deserved someone better. I couldn’t believe that he’s already engaged I mean, he really wanted to reach that stage. He wants to be a husband. And to have an intention like that, it’s pretty pure. But as for me, just even thinking about it makes me feel terrified. Sure you can’t wait for a wedding dress that you’ll be wearing, how people mesmerise you through the eyes, how people treat you like the best bride in the world, that day, the girls have accomplished the wish that they always wanted to fulfil. To be a princess, just for that day. You got one day, to make it all happen. Sure as a girl, I did thinking of the fairytale wishes and imagined of how my wedding will be. I imagined my wedding would be in a grand hall, I walk through the aisle with my other half, I hold his hand while my other hand is holding a banquet of flowers. I smiled gracefully, my smile glimmers like the stars in the night. I pretended that I was the most beautiful person on earth even The VS Angels couldn’t compare them with me.That time, the background music kept playing like there’s no the end of it. But as the time goes by, reality seems to choke me in and made me stand more logically on my own feet. The whole imagination that I’ve been buried in my own separate wishes seems to crumble turning into torn pieces. Now when marriage comes to my mind is the responsibility that comes afterwards.

Do you wanna know what I’m really afraid of?

I’m afraid that I could not make it.

I’m afraid that all my hopes are just hopes and I didn’t get the happiness that I always wanted. Call me paranoid whatsoever but it’s not easy to stand a marriage you know. When you have kids, your responsibility is getting bigger and bigger. How I’m gonna raise my kids? In what manners that I’m going to educate them? What sort of environment that I want to give to them? What sorts of impressions that I want to people see when they see my kids? What type of food? Milks? Bedroom decorations? Toys? Goddd… *sighhhh

I just can’t seem to..plan.

I’m just afraid that it’s not what I imagined to be. Reality is far off the record. That’s why I’m pretty much satisfied of who I am, for now. Single and carefree. Didn’t have much effort to move on and find the right guy. For me, I kept thinking, those can wait. Maybe it can wait. The right guy is another thing. I’m afraid that we could not understand each other. I’m pretty much, a complicated person. My housemates said, unpredictable. Complex and random. Even the movies I watched didn’t attract my housemates that much. movies like ‘the boy in a striped pajamas’, ‘the book thief’, ‘the stoning of Soraya M’, ‘Finding Neverland’, ‘Jane Eyre’, ‘500 days of summer’ and such. I found that those movies have their own beauties.

 And I know men couldn’t stand with a complicated girl. She would leave him with puzzles, hints and headache. I give opinions that are far too off, my suggestions are different than the rest of other people. If I gave opinions, mostly it would be difficult to understand. Except shiron. I did realise sometimes, when I gave comments of the movie we just saw, I just went deep down, giving other side of opinions. But what makes me feel relief was, shiron could understand that. I didn’t make friends much. I choose what kind of friends I want to be close with. I don’t expect people to understand me including my family members. I even choose which sisters and brothers I wanna be close with.

 I’m the whole universe. You have to explore me. And that’s why mostly I think some, didn’t make it. They failed me. The broke my heart in thousand pieces. They explored halfway then, turn back. And maybe that is another reason why my love life sucks. I didn’t have the happy ending where you’d be happy to even break up. It all end up with tears and broken-hearted.

And this stage sucks, the have-you-taken-yet stage is sucks. It’s pretty much happening and I’m supposed to be flattered on how some people want to make me as part of their families but, I didn’t think that I deserve it, yet. One time when I wanted to buy some roti canai, the guy was kinda strangely friendly. Asking about me, where I lived, what I did for living, and at the end of the conversation, he asked me to come there again. Last time my brother’s mother-in-law seeking and ‘interrogating’ me with sort of typical questions. I assumed that she is a part-time matchmaking for her friends or some other people. And recently, one of relatives of mine kept asking me when I was going to get married and kept encouraging me to get to know his son. You know, she’s probably the toughest one. She kept asking me for my status everytime we met. I was kinda surprised with that kinda treatments because before this, I used to receive some stuck up faces by the men especially men cashiers. They assumed that they’re too hot to handle pfftt. Well I don’t have any regrets for pulling my stuck up face as well with all those douchebags. But I guess I was not the only one who faced this kinda scenario. I believe most of my single friends faced this situation. But it depends on how the respond to it. Whether they felt bugging, disturbing, happy, flatter or frustrating.  As for now, I’m pretty pleased with my ‘unproductive, single-minded and consuming food non-stop’ life. There I’d said this. Because I’m not gonna be able to get thru that life all over again once I get married.

But I’m gonna put my life on closure one day, I will. Just one day, I won’t let my life hanging..it’s my life and I wish I would cherish every moment that awaits me..one day, I will meet a guy and he will smell like coffee and happiness..”

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Plus- ive

“Recently, I found my old 2012 planner. I wrote some journal in there and I couldn’t believe of what I read. From the journals, I had been really positive of what was happening in my life last time. There’s brightness in every word that I wrote. I was thinking what happened to me..? what has changed me...? It’s really sad really…for chasing away the positive spirit away from me. I felt helpless after reading those entries. It’s like I wanted to chase her, find her and ask her how she can be so bright while the world is crushing her? I want to search the old me. I couldn’t convince myself that I’m going to regrow and be positive like the last time, I can’t promise myself.

But then, on a second glance. I’m glad that I was one of those people who always look at the light at the end of the tunnel..I was one of those people who didn’t give up easily when stupid things happened. I was one of those people who laughed and smiled on silly things when it happened. I was one of those person who didn’t mind when her heart bleeds a little, the kind of people who has less worries when things happened, kind of people who just, enjoy life and I want to be her again..”

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there's a lot more to come..

wait for it 

:)