Sometimes you people are exactly what I
have in mind. Uncourageous to take chances and looking into the bright sides in
pessimist ways. Am I the only person who still didn’t grow up? Get your gear up
and get pretty just for one night wouldn’t hurt. I mean, you people deserve
that. Hold yourself together and get motivated to reward yourself. God, I feel irritated
because I know I didn’t do well in my five and a half years of study. My cgpas
are all partial not cemerlang as they are. I didn’t stand out much, I didn’t
perform much, I didn’t get praised a lot but still, I was looking forward to
dress up all nice for tonight. I’m pretty much excited for our final year Gala
Dinner. And that makes me feel bad. They are the awesome people that I’ve meet
throughout my years here. They’re results are great, their projects and
assignments are outstanding but still, they didn’t take chances and treat
themselves as they deserve. I didn’t feel sorry for them, I felt sorry for
their souls and memories.
I
wanted to remember how my friends are all dressed up, wearing beautiful make
ups all gorgeous, smiling like princesses or walking like models just for one
night so that when you looked back in future, you would be able to smile again
as you remember how pretty you and your friends were that one and only night.
If you didn’t cherish your moment now I mean, would you think that you’re still
would be able to dress up all pretty in the future? we will never know when our
time comes. You’ll never know what happens and that’s why, I’m just saying, you
should take a good care of yourself.
you people should deserve a pat in the back
as well as the pretty decent dress to go with…
just for one night. It wouldn’t hurt, would
it?
*************
Life can be quite surprising.
But at the same time, can be pretty
amazing. Fate has brought me here and knowing these people really make me
appreciate my life. Knowing them really make me wanna write more on what I have
in mind. They gave so much inspiration and make me looking back with so much of
happiness, tears and joy. We shared so much these past few days before we ended
up our study here. And from there I knew, I couldn’t choose whom I wanna be
friends with because fate will tangled us again. Every person with different
backgrounds, understanding and judgement I knew, from this moment on, I
couldn’t choose my friends. I couldn’t say that some people are not good enough
to be my friends because they are special in their own ways. I learned a lot.
About happiness, bliss and friendships. You couldn’t define friendships. It’s
your own perspective. I wouldn’t judge your opinions of friendships because
yours might be different. I’m grateful that I’m still, standing with my two
feet watching all of the things that I’ve been struggling for five and a half years.
Struggling yes. Because I’m a lot different than the rest of other people.
**************
Life has a lot to offer actually. I was
overwhelmed with it wants to offer me and what it has gave me. But, it seems
that I can’t run fast enough, can’t swim deep enough and can’t embrace long
enough. In the beginning, everything began with heartache. However, when you
met with some new people, you determine to begin a fresh start. It’s your own
intuition to cover up the wound, your own effort. It’s like a new plant that
wanted to enjoy the sunny sunlight and sipping some fresh air. You felt new.
Then you began to share, to laugh, to grumble, to be angry and to joke along
the way. After that it moves to a stage where judgement began. You started to
judge and adjust with the surroundings and the people. You might let go or lose your pride and
sometimes, you let the pride win. Your emotions going back and forth trying to
make sense of what happened.
I
don’t how the final goodbye would be. It is would be ended up with awkward
tears or joyful smiles? You never knew. But as for me, I already choked up
typing this.
and at the end of the day, things will
remain history. At the end of the day, we would be in our final lecture,
sitting in that crammed space with a lot of mouths people talking. At the end
of the day, we would be walking to our car, slightly looking back at the views
that would leave you in wonder.
At the end of the day, we would be departed
away from this place. The place where life, had happened.
Happy Pre-graduation guys.
:’)
************
Time capsule
Where will I be in 5 years ahead:-
The chances of looking back from 2009 since
I step on the grass of Ipoh campus, I knew it would be different by the end of
this final semester. Those people are getting more matured and professional. time
couldn’t be reversed in which in this perspective, I wish we could, we’re
chasing the time that we could cherish it over and over again. So, where would
I be in 5 years’ time?
Probably married and have kids. I’m not
sure. I will be 27 years in 2018 and if my fate and faith still going strong, I
will keep continue teaching the kids but at the same time still improving my
study. I won’t stop. Cause I’d said it, I want to see how far that I can go. If
I could study till degree than nevermind, I won’t push myself to the limit
where I would torture myself out but, I will always give my best on what I
have. Next, I probably have gone to the parts of the continents along the way,
travelling, have some adventures, something more adventurous and challenging. Would it be too much if in 5 years’ time, I’d
said, I’m gonna have an awesome husband. Haha. Awesome is subjective. But I
think he’ll be good enough for me if he was my other half.
Then, I could see myself holding up the
responsibility in the family for my nieces and nephews. I still got lots of
young kids in my whole families. Now, there are all the devil kids and witty
teenagers who keep running here and there. If you came to my house during raya,
you could categorise for each years from baby till my age. in 5 years, I need
to take care of them in terms of emotionally and physically. Cause moving on to
teenagers stage has never been easy. You easily get hurt by people, sensitive,
fragile and easily influence by other people.
And I’m gonna have my own house even though
I can’t imagine how big or small my house would be but, there’ll be some my
kids’ toys, books in mini library, kitchen with full of foods and me typing on
the computer or me sitting, watch the time capsule that I had recorded.
So my advice to you future rashidah, hold
yourself together no matter what happen even though I still do not know what
kind of challenges that I might face in the future but, like mak always said,
if you pray to Allah, sure Allah will makbul your doa. Stay strong. Fighting!
: )
*************
Home sweet home
This ‘let’s move-out’ thing is too abrupt.
I was frustrated for not knowing what to respond. I’m already content with
where I lived. Even though my bedroom is kinda small but it’s my idea of living
on my own space. I’m comfortable for having a small room occupied with books,
clothes hanging on the racks, picture frames, bed lights, small decoration of
flowers and most of all, my bed.
Here, I don’t feel belonged.
This sort of last minute move-out part makes
me panic a bit. thinking it was some kind of a joke because I’ve heard of it a
couple times but I didn’t expect that I was involved too. I never thought it
was serious until ayah asked me ‘barang bnyk lagi ke?’ that’s when I wanted to
scream out. Like in a serious manner, it was like we are officially moving out,
end of story. First when I received the news, I was really frustrated and
upset. I just got back from Ipoh and this is what I get. The situation was like
‘hey, you’re home, okay let’s move out.’ I don’t have a final say in this. They
just expect me to conform and I seriously didn’t have a choice for now. My
parents and family, we support each other. If I was just care about myself I
should just probably go back to my house and live on my own. But I need my
parents, they need me too because let’s face, they’re growing old and I can’t
keep acting spoiled and rebelling like a child and say it to their faces ‘ I
hate this house, I don’t wanna live here’. Those moments are over. I just have
to move on and adjust myself like they did.
Ayah already prepared me one room. I was
thankful but, it didn’t feel like home. This place is weirdly spacey. Even my
so called ‘new’ bedroom looks lonely and dull. This area always runs out of
fucking water. What’s the point of having many toilets if it got no water? And
there’s one toilet which has a window, what the eff? Who the hell wants to see
outside when you’re in the toilet? You just can’t freakishly buy a house for
not checking the conditions, the areas and some other stuff. This house isn’t
practical at all. It’s been two days I’ve been sleeping outside in front of the
tv cause I wasn’t comfortable to sleep in the bedroom. The room was freaking
empty I could listen to my own breathing. Except there’s a bed and a closet. It
took me quite some time to adjust with another whole new environment. In fact,
I need to adjust myself really quickly. Cause there’s no news for beforehand
saying that I’m going to move out brings my clothes, everything and whatnot.
Before this, only ayah went back and forth from our house and slept there once
in a while. The distance from my house wasn’t that far, it only took about 3-5
minutes you could even walk.
Few
days I was still couldn’t believe that I had to accept what’s in front of me. I
was still ‘discovering’ this ‘home sweet home’ by going to one room and
another. This house still has 2 empty rooms left. Another 2 rooms already
occupied with my parent’s clothes and another stuff. My room was still empty,
dull and un’live’ly. Later I have to bring all my books, printers, clothes and
cabinets from Ipoh to bring them here because 1) there’s not enough space for
more stuff to put in my first bedroom. 2) I need to put things in my second
room to make more like somebody-is-living-in-here kinda impression. But on the other side, I need to adjust. I
just learned about the resistance of change or living in denial in one of my
final semester courses. I’m not living in denial in this kinda situation but
more of resistance of change and get out from my comfort zone. I missed my bed
soooo much I tell you. I hadn’t sleep in my room since I moved here, it’s
pathetic. I missed when my face was kissed by the morning sun by the time the
sun started to arise in the morning. I could even feel the morning heat from my
window even though sometimes it’s kinda annoying.
I missed my books.
You know, I would love to decorate my room
but not for now. I’m still processing my thinking to like my new room. I
probably should just wait until I finish my final exam then later, we talk.
I’ll post some photos of my first room and second room later if I remembered or
just you know, for some memories. tsk
So when did it all started and why ayah
wants to live here?
he lost estimated rm6k because there’s one
fcking retarted thieve stole some wires to sell it for drugs. Apparently he
won, twice. This house meant for my eldest brother, ayah took care of this
house until abg long retired. So, apparently ayah is the ‘guard’ of this house
since he was the one who suggested abg long to buy it.
So I could conclude that I stayed here for
a week until I went back to Ipoh.
But you know, after a while. I was
thinking, living here wasn’t that bad idea. It takes time to adjust. when the food came flooding in like non-stop
wave hahaha that’s when I started to like this place. Only when it comes to
night, I didn’t dare to go to the kitchen by myself, it still pretty creepy.
Mak, still misses her first house like I was. We’re still discussing and
apparently ayah was looking for people to rent this house, I heard some UMK
students want to rent but we’ll see how it goes. So what change my mind? Well
first, the food. Second, the surrounding is pretty much decent. It’s like the
real definition kampong. I could heart crickets at night and it quite in the
daylight. There’s not much of noise pollution. Compared to my first house, it’s
still in kampong but the house is in front of the main road in the village so
there’s non-stop cars and bikes moving back and forth. Kalau lah ayah has found
people to rent this second rumah, it takes time lagilah nak adjust balik. God,
I feel like nomad people again. Last time I did tell you about living like a
nomad right? haishh
************
To clarify
I’m being really sensitive and depressed
lately.
1)Probably due to the fact that I
watched too much dramas about love and happy ending made me even more
depressed.
2) So many friends of mine are
getting married.
By right I shouldn’t complain this because
I was the one who was wrong. Was I?
But seriously the one who came sweep off my
feet didn’t well, how I should put this in words..
It happened that I started to eat until my
stomach burst or until I feel like I wanna throw up.
I
shouldn’t watch those stupid love-related drama in the first place. Made me
even mad on myself. And my friends advised for not turning into desperado mode.
I even noticed that I became the one you call desperate? Blerghhh.. I felt
suffocated by my own wishes, dreams and expectation. I just wanna be normal
again. Normal in my own way means, I didn’t think much just do what I always do
without taking regard of ‘does he likes me?’ or ‘how should I find my other
half?’ or thinking much of ‘how I wanna
make a guy likes me back?’. It’s not like there’s a manual book on those.
And..
I only wish for a guy that I hope for. Not
asking for some complicated entangled love where a guy pushes me until my limit
to accept him. It became too desperate in that kind of situation don’t you
think? This is too complicated. I cried thinking how my life could be this
complicated. When I was in school, I didn’t expect myself involve with this. I
wouldn’t expect my love life would be this pathetic. Seriously please my other
half, could you please hurry up? Or at least if I had any. *shrug*
Because love, could turn into sympathetic.
I felt sorry for him. Days by days, I
became more worried. I was scared at first but, this situation has brought me
into sympathy. I did feel bad about how I turned him down directly. What he did
was nice, brave and outspoken. I was amazed with his effort I really do.
Honestly he was the first guy that ever did so many things to me even though I
didn’t respond back. He was the brave one. He put so many efforts and I was
thinking, it was amazing how a guy would do anything for a girl he likes. but,
I doubted that love cannot be learned. You have to feel it to yourself and have
a mutual feeling toward each other. How can you love somebody you didn’t like?
I do like him but not in a very serious way until it will bring us into the
wedding ceremony. I turned him down
nicely but he won’t accept it. I thought it had stop because it’s been awhile I
haven’t seen any message came from my inbox. But then I heard rumours that I
was engaged. First I thought it was some kind of a joke among my classmates and
of course it’s crazy ridiculous. Probably the whole unit of his class assumed I
was engaged with him. You see, spreading rumours like this you’re not just
embarrassed me but, you embarrassed yourself.
Right, like I said before, listen..I wanted
to have my own happy ending. Can’t you let me go to love somebody that I fell
for? Even if it’s not now maybe later. It’s like when I like somebody and they
don’t like me back, it’s like my heart attached to someone. It makes me even
harder to love someone. he couldn’t let me go.
Please,
can’t you just let me find my own happy
ending?
*************
I hate when it got too quiet where you can
hear your own heartbeat and breath. It’s like I could count my own death.
********
love letter to housemates
To my dearest beautiful and gorgeous
housemates,
Since this is a last minute love letter, I
guess I have to type real quick. To Shiron, mira, kak nurul and hanim. All of
you have been shining stars of mine. At first, my thought on friends was
nothing much. but after been thru thick and thin with you guys. You are most
wonderful friends that I’ve met in my life. I found out that everyone has its
own charms and complex. Time is ticking as time for us to apart are getting
close. I’m glad we did some crazy stuff together. Like crazily dancing in the
living room, singing like nobody is listening. I’m going to miss how crazy
shiron was. I’m going to miss hanim’s food (especially the basi apam balik),
I’m going to miss mira’s funny remarks and I’m going to miss kak nurul’s
kindness. I’m sorry for not being a really good friend to you guys. I’m sorry
if I even hurt your feelings. Of course I did either intentionally or
unintentionally. After been friends with you guys, you made me think that you
are perfect of who you are. Never say that nobody is not good enough to be your
friends. Don’t choose your friends. Feel it with your heart and just go what
your heart feels. That’s what I did when I chose you guys to be my housemates.
Love
you guys, xoxoxo ;’)
***********
The end of book 1
Since you can’t expect things to stay the
same, I wish I had this magic clock so I could stop it for a while. I wanted to
press it and rewind to the time where I first met my classmates. I wanted to
explore back times where I thought it would be wasted. At my first impression,
I thought these people are bunch of people who just I don’t know, reckless.
They made stupid jokes, R-rated jokes, funny jokes and it made me feel like
these people are just, haha. You see, I can’t explain it. But after keeping
along those roads, tagging along, laugh with them, cry with them made me feel
that these people are special in their own ways.
Separating like this makes me think a lot.
Mira said she said she’s scared of her future. Yeah me too. I don’t know if I
can make it. I wanna stay the same pace but I know I cant. People have to move
on. I cant believe I’m saying this but, I’d never thought that this pace is
going to be so quick. It’s like what I’ve been doing for five and a half years
in colleague? What have I done? How did I grow? What I gathered? what memories
I made? Is it worth it?
There’s a lot questions inside my head that
I, myself not gonna be able to answer. I hate to miss things that I hated in
the first place. It’s like I’ve just finished my high school then came to ipoh
for teacher training then poof! It’s done.
I graduated.
So quick..too quick.
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