something extra, something surprising

Sometimes you people are exactly what I have in mind. Uncourageous to take chances and looking into the bright sides in pessimist ways. Am I the only person who still didn’t grow up? Get your gear up and get pretty just for one night wouldn’t hurt. I mean, you people deserve that. Hold yourself together and get motivated to reward yourself. God, I feel irritated because I know I didn’t do well in my five and a half years of study. My cgpas are all partial not cemerlang as they are. I didn’t stand out much, I didn’t perform much, I didn’t get praised a lot but still, I was looking forward to dress up all nice for tonight. I’m pretty much excited for our final year Gala Dinner. And that makes me feel bad. They are the awesome people that I’ve meet throughout my years here. They’re results are great, their projects and assignments are outstanding but still, they didn’t take chances and treat themselves as they deserve. I didn’t feel sorry for them, I felt sorry for their souls and memories.

 I wanted to remember how my friends are all dressed up, wearing beautiful make ups all gorgeous, smiling like princesses or walking like models just for one night so that when you looked back in future, you would be able to smile again as you remember how pretty you and your friends were that one and only night. If you didn’t cherish your moment now I mean, would you think that you’re still would be able to dress up all pretty in the future? we will never know when our time comes. You’ll never know what happens and that’s why, I’m just saying, you should take a good care of yourself.

you people should deserve a pat in the back as well as the pretty decent dress to go with…

just for one night. It wouldn’t hurt, would it?

*************

Life can be quite surprising.

But at the same time, can be pretty amazing. Fate has brought me here and knowing these people really make me appreciate my life. Knowing them really make me wanna write more on what I have in mind. They gave so much inspiration and make me looking back with so much of happiness, tears and joy. We shared so much these past few days before we ended up our study here. And from there I knew, I couldn’t choose whom I wanna be friends with because fate will tangled us again. Every person with different backgrounds, understanding and judgement I knew, from this moment on, I couldn’t choose my friends. I couldn’t say that some people are not good enough to be my friends because they are special in their own ways. I learned a lot. About happiness, bliss and friendships. You couldn’t define friendships. It’s your own perspective. I wouldn’t judge your opinions of friendships because yours might be different. I’m grateful that I’m still, standing with my two feet watching all of the things that I’ve been struggling for five and a half years. Struggling yes. Because I’m a lot different than the rest of other people. 

**************

Life has a lot to offer actually. I was overwhelmed with it wants to offer me and what it has gave me. But, it seems that I can’t run fast enough, can’t swim deep enough and can’t embrace long enough. In the beginning, everything began with heartache. However, when you met with some new people, you determine to begin a fresh start. It’s your own intuition to cover up the wound, your own effort. It’s like a new plant that wanted to enjoy the sunny sunlight and sipping some fresh air. You felt new. Then you began to share, to laugh, to grumble, to be angry and to joke along the way. After that it moves to a stage where judgement began. You started to judge and adjust with the surroundings and the people.  You might let go or lose your pride and sometimes, you let the pride win. Your emotions going back and forth trying to make sense of what happened.

 I don’t how the final goodbye would be. It is would be ended up with awkward tears or joyful smiles? You never knew. But as for me, I already choked up typing this.

and at the end of the day, things will remain history. At the end of the day, we would be in our final lecture, sitting in that crammed space with a lot of mouths people talking. At the end of the day, we would be walking to our car, slightly looking back at the views that would leave you in wonder.

At the end of the day, we would be departed away from this place. The place where life, had happened.

 Happy Pre-graduation guys.

:’)

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Time capsule

Where will I be in 5 years ahead:-

The chances of looking back from 2009 since I step on the grass of Ipoh campus, I knew it would be different by the end of this final semester. Those people are getting more matured and professional. time couldn’t be reversed in which in this perspective, I wish we could, we’re chasing the time that we could cherish it over and over again. So, where would I be in 5 years’ time?

Probably married and have kids. I’m not sure. I will be 27 years in 2018 and if my fate and faith still going strong, I will keep continue teaching the kids but at the same time still improving my study. I won’t stop. Cause I’d said it, I want to see how far that I can go. If I could study till degree than nevermind, I won’t push myself to the limit where I would torture myself out but, I will always give my best on what I have. Next, I probably have gone to the parts of the continents along the way, travelling, have some adventures, something more adventurous and challenging.  Would it be too much if in 5 years’ time, I’d said, I’m gonna have an awesome husband. Haha. Awesome is subjective. But I think he’ll be good enough for me if he was my other half.

 Then, I could see myself holding up the responsibility in the family for my nieces and nephews. I still got lots of young kids in my whole families. Now, there are all the devil kids and witty teenagers who keep running here and there. If you came to my house during raya, you could categorise for each years from baby till my age. in 5 years, I need to take care of them in terms of emotionally and physically. Cause moving on to teenagers stage has never been easy. You easily get hurt by people, sensitive, fragile and easily influence by other people.

And I’m gonna have my own house even though I can’t imagine how big or small my house would be but, there’ll be some my kids’ toys, books in mini library, kitchen with full of foods and me typing on the computer or me sitting, watch the time capsule that I had recorded.

So my advice to you future rashidah, hold yourself together no matter what happen even though I still do not know what kind of challenges that I might face in the future but, like mak always said, if you pray to Allah, sure Allah will makbul your doa. Stay strong. Fighting!

 : )

*************

Home sweet home

This ‘let’s move-out’ thing is too abrupt. I was frustrated for not knowing what to respond. I’m already content with where I lived. Even though my bedroom is kinda small but it’s my idea of living on my own space. I’m comfortable for having a small room occupied with books, clothes hanging on the racks, picture frames, bed lights, small decoration of flowers and most of all, my bed.

Here, I don’t feel belonged.

This sort of last minute move-out part makes me panic a bit. thinking it was some kind of a joke because I’ve heard of it a couple times but I didn’t expect that I was involved too. I never thought it was serious until ayah asked me ‘barang bnyk lagi ke?’ that’s when I wanted to scream out. Like in a serious manner, it was like we are officially moving out, end of story. First when I received the news, I was really frustrated and upset. I just got back from Ipoh and this is what I get. The situation was like ‘hey, you’re home, okay let’s move out.’ I don’t have a final say in this. They just expect me to conform and I seriously didn’t have a choice for now. My parents and family, we support each other. If I was just care about myself I should just probably go back to my house and live on my own. But I need my parents, they need me too because let’s face, they’re growing old and I can’t keep acting spoiled and rebelling like a child and say it to their faces ‘ I hate this house, I don’t wanna live here’. Those moments are over. I just have to move on and adjust myself like they did.

Ayah already prepared me one room. I was thankful but, it didn’t feel like home. This place is weirdly spacey. Even my so called ‘new’ bedroom looks lonely and dull. This area always runs out of fucking water. What’s the point of having many toilets if it got no water? And there’s one toilet which has a window, what the eff? Who the hell wants to see outside when you’re in the toilet? You just can’t freakishly buy a house for not checking the conditions, the areas and some other stuff. This house isn’t practical at all. It’s been two days I’ve been sleeping outside in front of the tv cause I wasn’t comfortable to sleep in the bedroom. The room was freaking empty I could listen to my own breathing. Except there’s a bed and a closet. It took me quite some time to adjust with another whole new environment. In fact, I need to adjust myself really quickly. Cause there’s no news for beforehand saying that I’m going to move out brings my clothes, everything and whatnot. Before this, only ayah went back and forth from our house and slept there once in a while. The distance from my house wasn’t that far, it only took about 3-5 minutes you could even walk.

 Few days I was still couldn’t believe that I had to accept what’s in front of me. I was still ‘discovering’ this ‘home sweet home’ by going to one room and another. This house still has 2 empty rooms left. Another 2 rooms already occupied with my parent’s clothes and another stuff. My room was still empty, dull and un’live’ly. Later I have to bring all my books, printers, clothes and cabinets from Ipoh to bring them here because 1) there’s not enough space for more stuff to put in my first bedroom. 2) I need to put things in my second room to make more like somebody-is-living-in-here kinda impression.  But on the other side, I need to adjust. I just learned about the resistance of change or living in denial in one of my final semester courses. I’m not living in denial in this kinda situation but more of resistance of change and get out from my comfort zone. I missed my bed soooo much I tell you. I hadn’t sleep in my room since I moved here, it’s pathetic. I missed when my face was kissed by the morning sun by the time the sun started to arise in the morning. I could even feel the morning heat from my window even though sometimes it’s kinda annoying.

I missed my books.

You know, I would love to decorate my room but not for now. I’m still processing my thinking to like my new room. I probably should just wait until I finish my final exam then later, we talk. I’ll post some photos of my first room and second room later if I remembered or just you know, for some memories. tsk

So when did it all started and why ayah wants to live here?

he lost estimated rm6k because there’s one fcking retarted thieve stole some wires to sell it for drugs. Apparently he won, twice. This house meant for my eldest brother, ayah took care of this house until abg long retired. So, apparently ayah is the ‘guard’ of this house since he was the one who suggested abg long to buy it.

So I could conclude that I stayed here for a week until I went back to Ipoh.

But you know, after a while. I was thinking, living here wasn’t that bad idea. It takes time to adjust.  when the food came flooding in like non-stop wave hahaha that’s when I started to like this place. Only when it comes to night, I didn’t dare to go to the kitchen by myself, it still pretty creepy. Mak, still misses her first house like I was. We’re still discussing and apparently ayah was looking for people to rent this house, I heard some UMK students want to rent but we’ll see how it goes. So what change my mind? Well first, the food. Second, the surrounding is pretty much decent. It’s like the real definition kampong. I could heart crickets at night and it quite in the daylight. There’s not much of noise pollution. Compared to my first house, it’s still in kampong but the house is in front of the main road in the village so there’s non-stop cars and bikes moving back and forth. Kalau lah ayah has found people to rent this second rumah, it takes time lagilah nak adjust balik. God, I feel like nomad people again. Last time I did tell you about living like a nomad right? haishh

************

To clarify

I’m being really sensitive and depressed lately.

1)Probably due to the fact that I watched too much dramas about love and happy ending made me even more depressed.

2)   So many friends of mine are getting married.

By right I shouldn’t complain this because I was the one who was wrong. Was I?

But seriously the one who came sweep off my feet didn’t well, how I should put this in words..

It happened that I started to eat until my stomach burst or until I feel like I wanna throw up.

 I shouldn’t watch those stupid love-related drama in the first place. Made me even mad on myself. And my friends advised for not turning into desperado mode. I even noticed that I became the one you call desperate? Blerghhh.. I felt suffocated by my own wishes, dreams and expectation. I just wanna be normal again. Normal in my own way means, I didn’t think much just do what I always do without taking regard of ‘does he likes me?’ or ‘how should I find my other half?’  or thinking much of ‘how I wanna make a guy likes me back?’. It’s not like there’s a manual book on those.

And..

I only wish for a guy that I hope for. Not asking for some complicated entangled love where a guy pushes me until my limit to accept him. It became too desperate in that kind of situation don’t you think? This is too complicated. I cried thinking how my life could be this complicated. When I was in school, I didn’t expect myself involve with this. I wouldn’t expect my love life would be this pathetic. Seriously please my other half, could you please hurry up? Or at least if I had any. *shrug*

Because love, could turn into sympathetic.

I felt sorry for him. Days by days, I became more worried. I was scared at first but, this situation has brought me into sympathy. I did feel bad about how I turned him down directly. What he did was nice, brave and outspoken. I was amazed with his effort I really do. Honestly he was the first guy that ever did so many things to me even though I didn’t respond back. He was the brave one. He put so many efforts and I was thinking, it was amazing how a guy would do anything for a girl he likes. but, I doubted that love cannot be learned. You have to feel it to yourself and have a mutual feeling toward each other. How can you love somebody you didn’t like? I do like him but not in a very serious way until it will bring us into the wedding ceremony.  I turned him down nicely but he won’t accept it. I thought it had stop because it’s been awhile I haven’t seen any message came from my inbox. But then I heard rumours that I was engaged. First I thought it was some kind of a joke among my classmates and of course it’s crazy ridiculous. Probably the whole unit of his class assumed I was engaged with him. You see, spreading rumours like this you’re not just embarrassed me but, you embarrassed yourself.

Right, like I said before, listen..I wanted to have my own happy ending. Can’t you let me go to love somebody that I fell for? Even if it’s not now maybe later. It’s like when I like somebody and they don’t like me back, it’s like my heart attached to someone. It makes me even harder to love someone. he couldn’t let me go.

Please,

can’t you just let me find my own happy ending?

*************

I hate when it got too quiet where you can hear your own heartbeat and breath. It’s like I could count my own death. 

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love letter to housemates

To my dearest beautiful and gorgeous housemates,

Since this is a last minute love letter, I guess I have to type real quick. To Shiron, mira, kak nurul and hanim. All of you have been shining stars of mine. At first, my thought on friends was nothing much. but after been thru thick and thin with you guys. You are most wonderful friends that I’ve met in my life. I found out that everyone has its own charms and complex. Time is ticking as time for us to apart are getting close. I’m glad we did some crazy stuff together. Like crazily dancing in the living room, singing like nobody is listening. I’m going to miss how crazy shiron was. I’m going to miss hanim’s food (especially the basi apam balik), I’m going to miss mira’s funny remarks and I’m going to miss kak nurul’s kindness. I’m sorry for not being a really good friend to you guys. I’m sorry if I even hurt your feelings. Of course I did either intentionally or unintentionally. After been friends with you guys, you made me think that you are perfect of who you are. Never say that nobody is not good enough to be your friends. Don’t choose your friends. Feel it with your heart and just go what your heart feels. That’s what I did when I chose you guys to be my housemates.

 Love you guys, xoxoxo ;’)

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The end of book 1

Since you can’t expect things to stay the same, I wish I had this magic clock so I could stop it for a while. I wanted to press it and rewind to the time where I first met my classmates. I wanted to explore back times where I thought it would be wasted. At my first impression, I thought these people are bunch of people who just I don’t know, reckless. They made stupid jokes, R-rated jokes, funny jokes and it made me feel like these people are just, haha. You see, I can’t explain it. But after keeping along those roads, tagging along, laugh with them, cry with them made me feel that these people are special in their own ways.

Separating like this makes me think a lot. Mira said she said she’s scared of her future. Yeah me too. I don’t know if I can make it. I wanna stay the same pace but I know I cant. People have to move on. I cant believe I’m saying this but, I’d never thought that this pace is going to be so quick. It’s like what I’ve been doing for five and a half years in colleague? What have I done? How did I grow? What I gathered? what memories I made? Is it worth it?

There’s a lot questions inside my head that I, myself not gonna be able to answer. I hate to miss things that I hated in the first place. It’s like I’ve just finished my high school then came to ipoh for teacher training then poof! It’s done. 

I graduated. 

So quick..too quick.