cruel

sometimes in life, you have to realize that, nobody is going to save you but yourself. You need to know that sometimes nobody is going to be there for you. You have to know that sometimes, life is unfair.

unfair to the point where you think its not worth living anymore.

some people are just obnoxiously cruel sometimes. They're just plain cruel. there's a time where you wanted to explain everything, you wanted them to know how you feel inside. But you cannot seem to utter those words because you're not really good with words. you don't know how to make people understand. and there you are, standing in silence, you let the people break all your walls. The protection that covers your feelings and emotions has crumbled down. And there you are, sitting in a room, in silence. you let people invade your feelings. let them do whatever they want. to punch you, to kick you, to stab you until you don't feel any kind of pains anymore. you feel numb of your own emotions. Emotionless. You don't know how you supposed to feel anymore. anger? sad? nervous? scared? you just sat there, eyes blinking. speechless. because you're not good with words like other people who can easily twisted their tongue.

there's a lot of things you wanna say hidden in your chest but you devour those feelings. simply because, just simply because you don't them want to judge. but at the end of the day, they're still judging. judgmental. I used to be like that.

and when you came home, you feel so numb and helpless inside. you buried your head under the pillow. try to find meaning of peacefulness. Trying to numb the pain, let it go for a while. but it keeps haunting you, chasing you to recall all bad things happened to you. You know you cannot run from your head. Things that keep haunting you inside your head, you can't run.  you let those feelings eat you up inside. tears running streaming down your face. tears is good you said. crying is good, letting out all of those emotions. but you forgot, the aftermath is the worst. Every food you taste, they seem to taste like a betrayal. you don't find any purpose in smiling anymore. You speak just for a sake of answering the questions.

next morning when you wake up, the numbness still lingers. your feet can't seem to find its balance. you forced yourself to prepare for another day, another battle. you're not sure whether you've prepared enough. is your bullet enough? does your weapon ready? right after that moment, you feel, life is a battlefield. to stand tall and fight every single blow that might come.

day by day, you will wonder, how things can stay like the way it was before? things changed. people changed. you almost forgot that changing is consistent. you cannot be static all the time. you cannot make people stay in one place forever. you cannot make people feel they same as you do forever. they will change. people will change. either they will love you more or hate you more. a part of you feel a hint of betrayal. and you wonder, what happened. to all of those moments. if only time could be a bit merciful, you thought, you wanted to crawl back at those moments and fix it. or you just do whatever things that you should have done.

regrets. all you have to mourn now is regret. when you're going to realize that not all people are kind? you asked yourself. you seem to trust everybody that you taught is your friend. you seem to hold on a belief in yourself, 'kindness'. you believe in kindness, you believe in it too much til it hurts you. then you realize, not all people are kind. They are just cruel out of no reason.

Just plainly cruel.