home, finally.
I reached kota bharu at 6 o'clock this morning. then, here I am. home. mak isn't feeling well. she's been sick lately and I couldn't afford to go somewhere seeing her condition like that. besides, I made promise to myself I wanna go back often this year.
more of homebound this year. I'll consider it as a family year. I just wanna take care of my parents better this year. they're getting older and I couldn't afford to let the time pass as they growing older. I know, it's kinda sucks to be in this situation. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like seeing my mom unwell and seeing her loses the strengths bit by bit. but as she grows older, it's part of the nature. that's how it works. and we as their kids, trying our best to take care of her.
but sometimes its funny how the stress works.
for now, I just wanna be there for her whenever she needs as long as I'm here. I've gotta put a lot of things on hold.
relationship.
travel.
love.
all for my mom. so, no. not this year love.
taking care old parents isn't easy. that I would tell, I'm not gonna lie. the struggle is real. But I'm tryna be the best daughter as I can be because I know this is might the only chance I got to serve them. to be there for them. for this whole week, I've been doing dishes, laundry and make chicken soup for my mom. tho her recovery process is slow, but at least its a progress. she's getting better. although I know, deep inside, I would admit that she's getting older, cranky, and complain a lot. I couldn't afford to be mad and angry about it. I have no rights to even feel that way. I'm her daughter, she's my mom. I need to embrace the fact that she's old and cranky. the smile is all I have left for her. although deep inside, seeing her like that hurt me so much inside, I wouldn't able to say anything because she wouldn't understand how I feel.
been here for few days make me feel estranged. it's like I've been alienated from my own place. you know it feels different when you come back for such a long time suddenly, everything starts to practice different living styles. It took me a while to adapt and I find it difficult. it just made me realize that I thought I know much about my own place but now I came to realize, I know so little. I when to night market last saturday, alone. you can't do any buying or selling during maghrib prayer. you need to wait for maghrib prayer to complete then you can continue to do any kind of shopping or selling. as for Friday, all the shops will be closed at around 1230 something and they'll be opening again around 230 p.m.
just whenever I'm at home, I always have this thought. the thought of reversing time. I don't know. maybe I'm still stuck with reminiscence the old memories in my single bedroom. still stuck in those lanes.
tomorrow is probably the only day I would go out, helping my sister in Tanah Merah. doing some housewarming event as she just bought a house. idk what she's doing with her life. she got enough money to build a house, have the land but she decided to buy a house instead. I mean, Idk what she was thinking even when the first time she met her husband and decided to marry a douche-bag.
there's just so many things I still couldn't brain and do not understand. not only with people around me or the environment that I'm living in with right now but with the whole society entirely. some days when I scrolling down twitter feeds or instagram, it seems that people are getting dumber. sometimes when I watch videos that don't make any sense for my brain to digest I would straight away regret it and slowly whispering 'what the fuck' within my breath.
I think 2018 is too much for me to take in. Stephen Hawking died, dato' siti got a baby girl after so much years waiting, yuna is married, gay people are fighting for their rights (still)
and most women obliged to something that is obviously wrong. let I'm the only one alone to know what the issue but it something related with our religion. but they still do it and make it more establish. idk what's happening in this world really..
I should've started reading books again. too much nonsense in socmeds nowadays.
some days, I just wanna lead my life towards what makes me happy and don't care much about people in social media. about how they would present their life. let the rest wonder what kind of life that I'm living, let them wonder.
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