it's unbelievable how disgusting a workplace culture can be. Now I have realize that. I got my eyes opened for the reality of it. honestly probably I was too blind to see cause I was too focus on teaching my students til I got passed things that shouldn't be taking in consideration into but you have to look anyway cause apparently somebody is giving a shit about it. every man for himself, that's what they always said. and they're right. they're not being completely honest with themselves. it's just sad to see the reality of it now. now I know. that everybody does it for a reason. not just for sake of the kids. I was actually very upset about this I'm about to cry cause I find it unfair to judge people and give marks out of your own judgement. It's disgusting how Shiron describe it to me when I called her, ranting about this ridiculous criteria.
you must be wondering why I was so upset. Today I found out that this year, I'm one of the teachers that are under observation by our school management which somehow related to our prestasi marks in hermis. to be honest with you, I have never looked at my marks cause I found it absurd and I don't want to value myself out of marks. I am more than just a mark or score or markah prestasi or whatever you wanna call it. because all these time, in everything that I do, I always hold on to my life principle. is to do what do you have to do and be committed about it. and I did. I have never looked back, never complained. I swallowed everything that they gave me even it sometimes didn't related with the students. I am more than just willing to do it. now, to be put under observation. guys, it's already hard enough to be under sisc+ coaches and now this? but the coach from sisc+ I don't mind much actually, in fact, I am delighted to have Madam Rajeswari as my coach because I know, this sort of coaching has its own purpose and I can learn. that is the most important part, I can learn. I don't mind her coming in into my class and we discuss about our pedagogy and what sorts of approach that I could fix.
and now you judge me simply because I didn't show much effort in the school of things that I do? now, that's fcking ridiculous. it's outrageous. I was actually quite confused when pk 1 told me I wasn't really understand because it's me. I'm just being me. clueless. I don't know much about the reality of it. and one of my workmates explained to me. you have to give or show something concrete that those higher people can actually see. for example like the paint of the wall, mural, wording, fcking all those things instead of looking at me in the classroom, struggling blood and sweat to make the kids understand. why don't they just come in and see the real core business? what is their expectations really??
then what the hell am I doing all these time? am I doing it wrong?
it's not me to bring all the works and things that I had done. I am fully sincere to do it cause it's my duty but you see, there is some sort of unfairness. it's like I've been played, being blamed for making the wrong moves. it's stupid. the whole marking things are stupid. You cannot simply judge people like that. you see, last year was one of the years I gave it my all, I went it all out for my works. I tried my best. but sometimes, still, people are judging. they are judging. cause they don't see what they wanna see. I was speechless. due to this judgement. due to this work culture. oh God. I 'm not saying that I don't want to be observed or judge but at least, could you at least, guide it with a proper reference? the certain criteria of a good teacher? please if you wanna give marks at least give me marks that I could polish on my teaching and not because I didn't stand out much, then you assumed that I didn't do my works. not because I didn't talk a lot during meeting or talk about something within my field. you know what why? cause I respect all of those senior teachers and I don't want them to label me as a cocky rookie teacher. like a know it all because I don't and I'm still learning. not because I don't know what I'm doing and that's why I didn't speak up much.
Madam Rajes observed me in my year five class last week, she gave a very good compliment of my teaching and learning, a boastful kind of motivation about how I teach and it some sort of helping me to go further with the kids, she compliment me on how impressed she was when she could see me there standing and communicating fluently with the kids. she even wanted to recommend me to go on a highest level with the JU side.I didn't expect her to compliment me to that certain extent and I know I don't deserve any of it. and I don't have any intention to go on that side because I know my aims. and I'm still determined to pursue my master. no matter what it takes. it's just that, I just do what I have to do and gave my best. that's what I do all the time.
but still, I'm gonna be under observation by those school management because of what? oh yeah..cause they don't see it by themselves. don't see with their own eyes.they didn't see any of that. and they're still gonna judge.
they are doing exactly what our ministries are doing now and still they say they want to have some changes and make the world a better place.
gosh.
I don't know what to expect anymore. everything is so full with negativity. and I just wanna shake them off. fuck all those things. rip it off in my head. and let this be, let this be..
because tomorrow is another day
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