unicorn business

end of this month should have been breezy. no mistakes, no flashback, no meltdown, no emotional downfall. it should have been a breezy month. should have been. but, I couldn't help but notice how the life of mine and the rest move so fast and it scares me. what if I haven't got a time to seize the day? what if I couldn't make it til the end? what if this is my fate? where I didn't get a chance to say 'I love you' to the person I love. you know what envy me the most? seeing old lovely couple having the best time of their lives. I wish I was like that. I wish I could have someone that I'm having the best time of my life with. I had my plans ready and according to my plans, I should have been married by now. but, Allah got another plans for so, I couldn't say no to that. It's been an agony to wait for miracle to happen. to wait for true love to come. to wait, for this long. all the years, months and days. whenever I started to pull myself together, things sometimes get real tough. it's been difficult to do this alone, honestly. I always wish that I could have someone that I can share my life with, my stories. things that happened daily in my life. it happened once but it didn't work out well. its just for a moment there, I was having the best time of my life. Once I thought I had it all together and I would be married, making him a coffee and share stories about my students. when I started to get serious about my future, that was the moment where I wasn't ready and my heart wasn't all into it. then I started to devour myself into things I love such as go abroad to another country wish I could run from my responsibility and reality. but it didn't. right the moment when I started to get serious again, no one is by my side. no one. I got none option. no man to get to know with. I'm all alone. Once I started to get real desperate, that's when I started to get panic with myself thinking "I'm gonna die alone. I don't wanna die alone. eating cupcakes alone." or "I'm gonna die alone and no special memories that I can share with." when do I start to get real panic and desperate? well, when I suddenly think about my age. I'm freakin' 26 already and 27 will the last year standing. no more monkey business or should I say unicorn? because we have monkeys. we believe in monkeys. but unicorn, we have several debates on that, arguing whether it's just a fantasy or a reality. same like my future, its fantasy versus reality. once and for all, I'm gonna say this once again, I'm gonna pull my shit together by the age of 27 and get married. serious talk guys. I'll pull myself together. I only got one last shot at this time where I could be all out crazy road trips and travelling. but the age of 27, I'm gonna stop travelling for a while, I'm gonna press pause on that. I'm gonna 'resaving' my savings account. start to collect every dimes that I could get for marriage budget. this is serious shit. Involving myself into marriage isn't a joke. Marriage is a responsibility. and this time, I'm not gonna run anymore.

sometimes, I wonder where did all go wrong.



Love,

Rushy