let's talk ocd

one time, I was watching Green Mile with my sister, couldn't remember how old I was. in that movie, Tom Hanks entered a room and he sat silently on the couch. He saw rows of pillows arranged perfectly in sync. But, there's one pillow tilted at the side. While somebody was talking to him, he couldn't help but to look at the pillow. Right after that somebody he was talking to went out, he looked at the pillow. He started at it first, then after a while, he couldn't stand to look at that one tilted pillow, he quickly fix it. and my sister laughed and said "look at that, he couldn't stand the position of a pillow." while she profoundly find it funny, I didn't. I didn't laugh at all. In fact, I was nervous and worried. the only question that pop into my head at that time was "is that weird?" weird for everybody? weird for everyone? cause if I were Tom Hanks, I would do exactly the same cause I couldn't stand the sight of unorganized things. At first I thought I'm a peculiar person. I'm afraid to admit it that's why I just let my sister laughed. so after I watched that movie, I started to think that something is not right about me. But I just let it off since it wasn't that serious. I continued doing things just like Tom Hanks did, fixing things that must be properly sit or organized. I was young. Too young to know what that kind of disorder means.

as I grow older, matured and smart enough to discover new information. I started to gather this reading about ocd. At first when I read about it, I didn't understand much. what Obsessive-compulsive Disorder means? I don't have that kind of obsessive. and what does the compulsive means? so those kind of questions I weren't able to answer it myself. then I started to realize that I'm a follow procedure type of person, straight like a robot, a planner freak and organizer. I don't like if things didn't go my way or people interrupt my plan or cancel it last minute since I've planned out very well. and I will be greatly stressed out about that and most of the time, I don't have much of back up plans. whenever I do planning, I did some back up plans but I never wished to use it. it was just there to prove my point or something as a 'decoy'. I like to arrange things perfectly well such as books and clothes. In my room, I have two racks of clothes hanger (three to be precise) one closet is for my work clothes and the second is for my outing outfits. Clothes that I wear daily, I fold it. I don't hanger it. you see, I don't like to mix all types of things into a whole bunch. I like to separate things into their category, types or such. same goes with the folder in a file I mean, everybody has different files for different docs right? I think that's pretty normal. at work, I have several files that can help me separate which is which. for example, exam sample file, personal files, worksheet files. trust me, I have too much files til my workmate in front of me couldn't see my face cause it already covered with my files. I also have a paper tray to help me separate important papers and still couldn't keep it in a file. This year I bought drawer for Ikea to put it in my workplace. Papers are getting crowded and some papers, you couldn't just throw it away. there also I separate it with different functions for each drawer. 

I also have this hygienic problem but this one isn't too serious. I can be such as a slob sometimes but once I clean, I clean hard. I think it's just out of habit to wipe the table after you're eating even if outside of a house. I couldn't stand seeing the pieces of crumbles from food on the table and utensils also need to be perfectly arranged before and after eating. I believe each things have its own placement to be put. you don't simply put spoons on the table right? or your used tissues on a table or pieces of torn sachets scattered around the table. 

it's funny that one time when Shiron asked me an advice on how to be more organized, I didn't notice that I was that kind of organized until somebody is seeking you as a solution. But then I kindly helped her out on that from workplace til bedroom. Workplace especially.  Since when I was in Ipg, I had one planner with me. I feel like I couldn't handle myself very well if I didn't have a planner. A planner help me to remember important details and dates. Important events and such. and also, I can jot down on what I'll be planning on next month. Sometimes I wonder some people might not have this planner book and how do you live without it? since then, I always buy a planner. It's easier to be more organized and do your planning rather neatly. 

now as I'm getting more aware about ocd. I read that ocd has different types of symptoms;

Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety. Common symptoms include:

• Fear of germs or contamination
• Unwanted forbidden or taboo thoughts involving sex, religion, and harm
• Aggressive thoughts towards others or self
• Having things symmetrical or in a perfect order

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that a person with OCD feels the urge to do in response to an obsessive thought. Common compulsions include:

• Excessive cleaning and/or handwashing
• Ordering and arranging things in a particular, precise way
• Repeatedly checking on things, such as repeatedly checking to see if the door is locked or that the oven is off
• Compulsive counting

source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml?utm_content=buffer69236&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer retrieved at 3.5.2017, 10.12 PM

so turns out I only got those highlighted symptoms in me. which I rather think that it wasn't obsessive much. I'm used to organize things and arranging things in good order up til now. 

and I think you must know that I've taught the kids with my ocd personality and they honestly, behaving quite well. I teach my year two kids since last year where they were in year one. Since they started to attend to class, I teach them followed my own fix rules. It sounds scary but I just make sure that they properly sit, have a well-mannered behavior, cleanliness, nicely dressed with school uniforms and most of it, discipline. If one person do wrong, they should apologize, we discuss on the problems. If there was a small fight, we talk, we came out with solution then I asked to apologize to each other. When they were still in year 1, I didn't introduce the lesson much, I shaped them with discipline and well-mannered behaviors most of the time. whenever there's a problem or little argument, I didn't ignore. I notified that. each and every problem. I make sure that they pay what they did. Its teaching methodology. I believe that we all teachers are familiar with guidance and counselling, psychology and all. Lucky that they're fast learner and they can catch up on what I'm teaching them. when it comes to learning, if there's one tiny mistakes or error, they must do it again. Erase it all and start to rewrite again. I couldn't stand unparalleled underlines, sentences or words. If they missed the punctuation or capital letters, if their writing looked like shrek just know how to write,of course, they need to write it again. if they're being noisy, I'll ask them to stand and listen to my cue repeatedly to gain their attention. if they class is messy, all of them need to stand up. there was one time that the tables are too wildly un-arranged and you know how stupid tables can be right? it's really hard to arrange them to make sure that they are parallel-ly aligned. I asked all of them to stand up, line up at the side of the class  and I arranged the tables. It's too annoying to see. The unparalleled tables and all. I also teach them on how to organize their books on the table. once they take out the books, if we haven't use them yet, I teach them to put on their sides of the table. same goes with the exercise books and all. if we haven't use them yet, make sure that they put nicely on the table if we used different books.  I don't like to see a messy table. things must be on nicely. Not just scattered all over the place. it's disrespectful, don't you think?

sometimes I do wish that I don't have this type of personality cause people may find it odd. But I believe that makes us human isn't it? nobody is perfect. We all have ocd personality in ourselves, its just a matter of how small or big the symptom is. I really do hope, you're embracing yourself just like you really are. Have a great weekend ahead! 

Love,

Rushy