I always wish that if I could work a little bit harder back when I was in school and cut down on the playfulness or stop kept on running, chasing, play tag or just laugh non stop at school. I might have gone far. or at least. because I always love Science subject. I would love to learn more about it when I begged to my school teacher to put me in science stream but I was stuck on Maths. I'm sucks at Math. If only..if only I worked a little bit harder. I might have accomplished things that I wanted. but ironically, I've been surrounded by people who I wish I had their jobs and wish they had mine. My niece who is now a pharmacist, once, wanted to be a teacher and I would like to be in her place. My friend who is a lawyer, would do anything to enter an educational college where I was wanted to learn law but my father said no. I'm in love with Science subject tho. It got me curious. but then, life and destiny, are unpredictable. I'm pretty much glad I'm surrounded by these kinds of people.. people who once I wanted to be them. A lawyer, a scientist, a pharmacist. and now here I am, a life-long learner. tho I never thought that I would be in this place but, I really love reading and I want to learn more. I guess that's what put me in the position and He knows my strength. I couldn't help myself but wanted to learn more. I made a promise to myself that I wanna see how far I would go (tho it may sound like Moana song) but trust me, I made this promise looong before Moana movie. 

I told my niece that I wanted to further my study and to my surprise, she won't put on to it. at that time, if I were her, in that kind of brain, that kind of intelligence, sure I would do it and make sure it will be use for a good cause. funny enough, I couldn't be her. I still want to know more about my potential. honestly, I haven't got through myself. I guess, I still don't know my real potential. It came with a surprise every single day. surprise that how I could actually do it while doubting myself. and perhaps, I'm still discovering myself. probably one of the reasons I'm still single and unmarried. you know what they always say, get to know yourself before you get to know others. I barely know my potential, how can I get to know others? 

My brain is actually my potential. I would have been a teacher if it's not because of my brain. and thank goodness for that. Thank goodness for everything. Every single molecules that my parents' prayers til I become to this. Alhamdulillah..

I guess I'm a late bloomer. I was never a stand out kid back in the school. Never a prodigy or a genius. but as I grew up, I don't see the world as it was before. there's always another side of view. I don't see, don't read, don't believe like the rest. Since we can make up with our own judgement, I believe in my thoughts more. my perspectives. 

I always wish that I could have a partner who I would agree to disagree, who could a healthy argument with, talking about the politics, discrimination, prejudices, sensitive issues, without judging me or thinking how narrow minded my thinking is, because he would hear me out, he respects my right as a person who would only want to give her thoughts. 

tho I'm not keeping high hopes to meet that kind of a person. which is why I'm more directed to travelling. discovering new places. I know I should have been searching for a future husband but, the timing isn't just right. last time I got to know someone, he left me gave numerous reasons of couldn't visit my family while I already booked his flight. sad isn't it? I got caught with the sweetness and blissfulness or receiving a bouquet of sunflower. Flattered me to death I must admit that. but those just in the past and I just wanted to let it be. it's gone. Thing is now, it's different. As I decided to let him go, I decided my all. that time I didn't tell him I was moving out to another house. it was a good thing not telling him. cause when I moved out, I'm in a new place. without bringing memories of him in my new place. I start fresh with a new house the beginning of the year. strangely enough, I get better. feelings got better. I'm a realist. If I didn't myself with you in the future, I wouldn't play along with the act of lovey dovey. I don't live that way, 

anyway, I still got many plans to be written on. I must admit that I got a lot more to chase. probably the reason why men always left me unnoticed. I couldn't stay in one place. I didn't devoted my all to him. why would I committed to a person who still never be confirmed to be my husband? I'm a straight-forward person. I don't play much with a metaphor tho how much I love literature. If you wanted me to be your wife then, you shouldn't beat around the bushes. Just say it. but then again, men play so much with their sweet words rather than with their brains don't they? okay maybe I had a little prejudice with men as I got brokenhearted. I still believe there is a good man out there after all. Despite all the sweet talkers or good for nothing. They are out there. Little bit I know, I don't blame them into this tho sometimes I did blame him for got me brokenhearted at the crucial age. but then again, I would see this professionally, and things always go our way and I need to accept that. I'm pretty much grateful meeting them. and I never regret when I said to him 'glad that I met you' because I am.  

I'm okay with the people that I have right now. My friends they are awesome. My family, I'm trying to get attach to it by tagging them in Instagram or whatsapp them. since I wasn't around a lot in my hometown, things got a distance a bit with the rest of family members and it's getting awkward tho it's my close niece herself. Except for my parents. I called them regularly. I don't stick around long enough to let the awkwardness disappear. I guess I like it like that for now. but the only thing that I feel quite sad about is, I don't feel that I belong to any of these places. Be it my own home or my rent house. I don't belong in any of these places. But I do have a really nice bedroom in my hometown. I keep it nice and simple since I went home for holidays. here as well, it's nice and comfy. But still, there's still a lack of it. maybe it's time to have my own little family? that's why I thought. probably, the middle age syndrome. You feel you didn't belong when most of your nephews started to make awkward jokes about wanted me to get married, pffffftt. hahahahaha. I still love them anyway. 

family is everything. I know. that is why I tried my best to make them happy every time I go back. Make a little celebration, a family dinner or family gathering. Family is happiness. 

and I might continue this for another post. will be posting about how I volunteered to present a research paper for my educational district department. (finally making progress and make a good use of the brain after a long time cracking to complete a thesis degree. *eye rolling)

Love,

Rushy