off the grid

The first two weeks were the worst, horrible, depressing weeks that I've ever faced. never knew that the second heartbreak would be sad like this but um..I made it. I managed to get through this, Well, it wasn't that easy. I was literally lying on the floor. crying my heart out. (thank god for not throwing things on the wall) never knew it ripped my whole world apart. 

But, I'm trying to regain back. 

To take charge, to take control of my heart again. 

perhaps, Allah knew. I was stronger than I think.. things are coming back to me. 

Happiness just fall into place again. 

Allah is near so I didn't look far. 

This is just another heartbreak story. 

sure everybody is afraid to even go near this place but that I guess it will make you feel stronger. 

just keeping all the positive thoughts come flooding in my head. honestly, I need to go out there.

 just literally go out, 

take a walk, eat outside. meet someone talk you're comfortable with. 

talk it out and I did. 

It wasn't bad as I thought. 

maybe that's what you do. when you're facing the heartbreak, when you failed the exam, when you're facing depression, when you're getting fat or haven't had a great year..

you start over

you start over again

you flip the new page and start to write it down

new pen

new ink

maybe that's what Taylor Swift always said to us. start to shake it off all the bad things sticking in your head. it wasn't bad after all. To chase away all the things that make you feel sad and negative. and probably one of the things that's just make me satisfy is, I didn't regret the decision that I made. fact, I felt relieved. to stop holding on a man like that. I know what I'm doing so, I knew better. what I wanted. what kind of man that deserve to be with. you don't have to judge. I know what I'm doing. 

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve a relationship that enables me to sleep peacefully at night

I deserve a man who wouldn't second guess of what he wanted

who wouldn't hesitate 

I couldn't be with a guy who wasn't sure what's he's really doing

A man who couldn't stand up for himself wasn't really a man after all

so man up and make your decision

but I don't mind really.

I have made a lot of effort.

turns out it was me after all

who just keep pushing him in into all seriousness

and I'm tired really

to keep pushing on people to put an effort for you while he in the fact that doesn't really trying 

it's just a shame but lesson learned

don't wait too long

but yeah..you can't just standing there hoping there's any any just in case

a miracle happens and he comes back to you and everything start to feel alright again

no

you move on

you find new chances

you explore new experiences

meet new people

things won't be the same and even if it did happen

my feelings to you won't be the same anymore

I simply taking over a new leaf

and start afresh 

honestly I don't know how much times that I've already start over and over and over again

but don't you see what I'm doing?

I don't want to give up

out of love

just because my love towards you doesn't work

I shut all my doors

it's not fair 

at least not fair for myself 

I need to give other people chances

so come whatever or whoever that may

just wait til it fully heal

when everything becomes normal again

when I found my happiness again

when I regain back all my feelings

it will take a month, a year in fact

but doesn't matter.

I am delighted to say that I'm officially off the grid now. 

I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna allow myself to take all the time she wants. because she deserves it all. 

:) 

living a moment

Tried my best not to leave my blog on hiatus.It's really hate to see my blog without any updates actually.I stole some times to spend for blogging.It became contagious and it got all over me.which I didn't take that as a bad sign.this semester, we get busier.no chance to go back early, coursework/subjects briefing, BIG program (phase five), plus with the practicum this April, to adapt with kinda new style of studying or 'working'.only three papers to sit for an exam, while the rests are hundred percent coursework. I'm not sure whether I could cope with that.sounds all right, but we will be ridiculously haywire later to finish the tasks and chasing the datelines.know that it's not going to be easy. InsyaAllah, I prepared for the rough paths.nak jadi cikgu kan? haha.


This is life you see.Today, you might be laughing your ass off with your friends, having a nice conversation, chit-chatting or sharing gossip.It's fun. In fact, it's addictive.You wanna laugh like  almost every day.filled with happiness, blossomed with laughter. and the next day, you might spilled your coffee on your shirt, your heels broke,stuck on a traffic, forgot the agendas that you must do. and all you wanna do is cry.to cut short,you'd failed that day. You suck at life, that day.you lose the fun moment.but mind you that you gotta live that moment no matter how suck it is.I know it's bitter, but you gotta swallow it.because you can search that happiness again.it will come to you,naturally.everyday is your lucky day.be blessed, be grateful. don't forget as a muslim, give thanks to Allah. Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah..

:) 

A shine of hope

Things getting worse day by day. I could cry if I tell this part by part. Because sometimes, all I wanna do is give up. it’s easy to give up right? You just let go of everything and fuck what people say about you. I could cry if I’m thinking back all the things that happened to me even just looking at the white blank pages, sit silently. In the outside, I maybe look strong. deep inside. I’m bleeding. no one knows. I hate 2012. My vital certificate is lost, my laptop breaking down, finance problems, and stuff. Things happen absolutely ‘perfect’. And those are in just one month. I’m scared to face another day. Scared of what’s going to happen next. Scared to turn the pages and see if everything all rights. And sometimes, I wonder, why it has to be me?

There is the moment where I came across ‘I can’t do this anymore. I give up. I can’t handle this’ and thinking ‘somebody, please shoot me right now’. Silently I set my prayer. Ask for Allah’s help. Tell Him that I can’t do this anymore. But, He keeps giving more and more. The moment where I lost my hope and keep saying ‘my life is over’. I locked myself out from the real world, where there’s no hope. Usually, when I’m facing problems, I always have plan A, B or C. If I can’t go with plan A, then, I’ll go with plan B. but, there was one day when I realize sometimes in life. You don’t really have a Plan B or C. what if the only plan that works is plan A?

I was lost. I was thinking that my life was already scattered like a broken glass.

I lost hope.

Lose my appetite to eat. Sleeping disorder. Paranoid. Start to worry about everything.

Grateful that Ayah is the best man in the world. Helped me to carry the burden and console me. thanks Ayah. Mak started to worry too.  And this is where I suddenly realize that my housemates ARE my bestfriends. The ironic thing is you keep praising a friend that you think she is your best friend forever but when it came to this. You know that she’s not. I’ve spent my whole five years to earn that certificate. I tried my best to score in the exam to earn that damn certificate and all you gotta say is it’s not a big matter? I was in awe. Couldn’t believe it came through your mouth. While a friend that I thought just a so-so friend kept consoling me by saying ‘don’t worry. Together we’ll find it.’ Even though you cannot just believe hundred percent of what she’s saying but at least those words are promising.

Little did I know..when my soul is helpless and seemed lost in the dark. There is a hope. There is one hope. And yes. Because Allah never leaves me alone..

John called and set a procedure for me how to fill the form and apply for new certificate. I cried a bit. Felt touched and grateful. I realize that, the hope is always there. You have to find it and seek for it. There is someone who gives me hope and share the burden. John has done a very good job as a brother. He never says no. He’ll somehow figure out the problems for me. He knows that I’m the only younger sister that she had. He needs to take care of this spoiled brat. Maybe it was good thing that he lost his certificate too. Haha. Just want to say sometimes, we share the same fate.

But, thank You Allah. For these obstacles. Thank You for giving me such a good family. Thank You. For everything.

because you know you gotta stay strong.  =)

11.11.11. what do you wish for?

since it's an extraordinary date,I decided to post a quick entry tonight. so,what are you really wish, for this date? If you ask me.I have children's Literature class with Madam Roslin on 11.11.11. I know it's no fun but at least I can get some tips before exam. just finished the first exam today and honestly I don't wanna give any comment about it cause I've tried my best to digest it.it's done.there's no use of whining or dissatisfaction. It doesn't really matter on how many you have strive.experience is the important thing.let failure be part of your life.so that you really learn a real life.learn to get through the hardship.then,you'll learn to appreciate life instead of taking it for granted.always having a wishlist.so that you know you have dreams instead of solid goal.believe in yourself.and remember,grades do not measure INTELLIGENE.teacher should expose the students to this kind of fact instead of giving them a hard time trying to score the highest rank in school.


anyway, hope you'll be having a good time tomorrow.a real good time.it's 11.11.11.wish big.cause it won't happen again for another 100 years.


R.

La Tahzan

my brother shared a link in Fb.it's a wonderful speech from Dr. Mohd Asri Zainal Abidin.I don't really have time to share in blog cause it takes time to download it.but feel free to open my wall.I have to tell you, it is really touching speech.yes.we tend to forget.about all the things that Allah has give to us.and we always take it for granted.

jam-packed

so, I guess this is where people used to say 'if you want it, you gotta earn it'.


1. Submit ELT Methodology
2. ujian amali Tennis - Gerko
3. Kuiz Phonetics and Phonology -2.30 pm
4. File checking-Literasi Bahasa
5. submit assignment Gerko-Tennis


the worst part is
all of these?
are due tomorrow.


Degree TESL.yes.I want it.and I got to earn it.

sorry for being oversensitive

you know what? I think I start to accept one of the annoying traits in the universe:oversensitive.I hate being sensitive.hate being angry of little things my friends said though it didn't really mean a thing.when they say something,I tried to laugh them back,trying to accepting the tease but sometimes, it just didn't work it.at the end,I will end up heart broken and thinking all the way 'why she said like that?' 'is it true?'.I don't know what to do anymore.I guess the only thing I can do now is apologize for being oversensitive.


sorry friends.

Today’s message is to the students, whether in school, college or university. You are in a tough situation, but thank Allah that you have parents who can buy you the things you need for school. Everything is given to you so you can learn and graduate and get a job and teach your children the way you were taught.

Renew your intentions that you are studying for the sake of Allah. Allah says time and time again how important knowledge is in Islam. So concentrate seriously to succeed. Even when you come out of your house you should have the intention that you are going to gain knowledge. So that if you die before reaching school, you have died for the sake of Allah. There are hadiths that say when you go to school with the intention to learn for the sake of Allah, Allah will make the path easy for you and the angels will be with you.

Don’t listen to those who want you to fail. Look at them during the exams, they will either be cheating or staring at the page. Don’t be like those who go to school everyday but don’t learn anything. Even when cheating, a person is writing blindly without understanding anything. They haven’t gained a thing! The Prophet(PBUH) said, whoever has cheated is not from us. Imagine that! Work hard! Don’t just study for the sake of it; I want you to be from the top students!

Respect your teachers. It is seen as “cool” to be rude to your teachers. But the Prophet(PBUH) said those who disrespect those who teach us are not from us. We have to respect those who are passing knowledge onto us. They are giving you knowledge, so you have to respect them, not be rude to them , or make them go crazy. Imagine if you became a teacher after that? Would you like to someone to do that to you? Respect people so they can respect you.

You have to respect your school. Don’t vandalise it, why do you not keep the school in good condition for those who will come after you? Imagine if someone came to your house and started writing things on your table, would you like that? So don’t do the same at school. The Prophet(PBUH) said, don’t damage things or harm people.

Go to school early. If you are late as a student, when you get a job what will you do? You have to respect appointments. Prepare your things the night before. Be organised. Don’t throw everything on your mother. When you come home from school, put your bag in your study area. Be organised, so that you can find everything. When you take off your clothes, hang your clothes in the wardrobe. Don’t leave everything to your mother. Be organised so that you can be an organised person. Organisation means you won’t waste your time looking for things.

Don’t rely on your private tutor. Concentrate with your teacher at school. Don’t be quick to say to your father that you want a private tutor because you don’t concentrate at school. If you depended on yourself and concentrated at school, you won’t need to spend unnecessary money on a private tutor! Then you will get used to being lazy, because you need someone to teach you.

Try to be presentable. Brush your hair, brush your teeth, cut your nails. Keep your clothes neat and clean. The Prophet(PBUH) said, Allah loves beauty.

Make sure your speech is respectable. When you wake up, greet your mother nicely, kiss her hand. Then go to your father and greet him. You should have an Islamic personality. Help with the house chores, so you can be a positive person at home, even if you have a maid! So you can help your mother and be an active person at home.

Try to be an active student. Join groups at university or school. Join the Muslim association, poetry club or the sports club. Have interests and hobbies and develop them. Don’t be inactive, as this is not from Islam at all! Create awareness about current affairs in the school newspaper or magazine.

Choose your friends carefully. You will be going to their houses when you want to study together and they will be coming to your house. So if they have good manners, they will respect your house and the people in it, they will be decent because they have good manners, and so will you. So look at your friends and be careful that they are not of the wrong type. A good friend will want you to succeed and not do anything that will harm you. He won’t encourage you to smoke or drink or go out with girls. Give these guys advice to help them to do good and guide them to be better people. Allah will make you a person that will enlighten others if you have the right intention.

May Allah help our dear students and protect them from evil, ameen.

 source:iluvislam

stupidity is just a word

got my result and i'm definitely not proud of my grade cause it poorly low.yup.it sucks.and terrible.tapi, nasib baik tak gagal.Alhamdulillah.but i accept as it is because i know, there are certain reasons why He gave me that kind of grade.I know cause it's my own grade and i think i know where did i go wrong.well, there are possibility you know.maybe i didn't put much effort like everybody else, maybe i didn't pray enough for a good result, maybe i talked too much about others or mengumpat in a simple word, do bad things to others, etc. there's many  possibility.and of course.i was careless.but, this semester, i'll makes sure that I wont be careless.berkat doa mak n ayah aku still lagi kat sini.


did i feel stupid?no. jackass? nope. dumb? not at all.why? cause i know i'm not stupid.no.i'm not.so, there's no reason why i have to mourn all night long.i hate that feeling.in fact, i have to find where did i go wrong instead of crying all night long.it doesn't solve anything right? what can i do now is try to score my best, put the hard work into the limit and tawakal.it's a second semester now dude! so, start to think ahead.peace.


p/s: congrats to all my friends who got a flying colors! baik punya.muahaha