off the grid

The first two weeks were the worst, horrible, depressing weeks that I've ever faced. never knew that the second heartbreak would be sad like this but um..I made it. I managed to get through this, Well, it wasn't that easy. I was literally lying on the floor. crying my heart out. (thank god for not throwing things on the wall) never knew it ripped my whole world apart. 

But, I'm trying to regain back. 

To take charge, to take control of my heart again. 

perhaps, Allah knew. I was stronger than I think.. things are coming back to me. 

Happiness just fall into place again. 

Allah is near so I didn't look far. 

This is just another heartbreak story. 

sure everybody is afraid to even go near this place but that I guess it will make you feel stronger. 

just keeping all the positive thoughts come flooding in my head. honestly, I need to go out there.

 just literally go out, 

take a walk, eat outside. meet someone talk you're comfortable with. 

talk it out and I did. 

It wasn't bad as I thought. 

maybe that's what you do. when you're facing the heartbreak, when you failed the exam, when you're facing depression, when you're getting fat or haven't had a great year..

you start over

you start over again

you flip the new page and start to write it down

new pen

new ink

maybe that's what Taylor Swift always said to us. start to shake it off all the bad things sticking in your head. it wasn't bad after all. To chase away all the things that make you feel sad and negative. and probably one of the things that's just make me satisfy is, I didn't regret the decision that I made. fact, I felt relieved. to stop holding on a man like that. I know what I'm doing so, I knew better. what I wanted. what kind of man that deserve to be with. you don't have to judge. I know what I'm doing. 

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve a relationship that enables me to sleep peacefully at night

I deserve a man who wouldn't second guess of what he wanted

who wouldn't hesitate 

I couldn't be with a guy who wasn't sure what's he's really doing

A man who couldn't stand up for himself wasn't really a man after all

so man up and make your decision

but I don't mind really.

I have made a lot of effort.

turns out it was me after all

who just keep pushing him in into all seriousness

and I'm tired really

to keep pushing on people to put an effort for you while he in the fact that doesn't really trying 

it's just a shame but lesson learned

don't wait too long

but yeah..you can't just standing there hoping there's any any just in case

a miracle happens and he comes back to you and everything start to feel alright again

no

you move on

you find new chances

you explore new experiences

meet new people

things won't be the same and even if it did happen

my feelings to you won't be the same anymore

I simply taking over a new leaf

and start afresh 

honestly I don't know how much times that I've already start over and over and over again

but don't you see what I'm doing?

I don't want to give up

out of love

just because my love towards you doesn't work

I shut all my doors

it's not fair 

at least not fair for myself 

I need to give other people chances

so come whatever or whoever that may

just wait til it fully heal

when everything becomes normal again

when I found my happiness again

when I regain back all my feelings

it will take a month, a year in fact

but doesn't matter.

I am delighted to say that I'm officially off the grid now. 

I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna allow myself to take all the time she wants. because she deserves it all. 

:) 

Across the border iii

Flight tickets are booked,preparations need to be done. I'm halfway there. Even though it's a small step, it's a step. 

this time, it's going to be a little bit sombrono and under budget travel.I'm wanderlust living thing, money won't be a problem. this is how I go travel under budget, thrift-style or whatever you call it. 

wait for it. 
now boarding:Medan,Indonesia. 


:)

random update

If you asked me to make a list of my nieces and nephews.that would be infinity.these are the two of them.

si syahmie was filling a membership club at Kino.   

si hazman well, don't know how to wear a sampin, so syahmie helped him to knot.

other than nieces and nephews.I think I miss ayah and mak. 

I miss home. 

I was planning to put my title for this entry called 'the spend-thrift' but something came up and I had to change it.I was quite upset about what happened but I didn't wanna bring the issue any longer.

it felt like I've been pushed away.totally not okay.I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me.it's whether they're afraid or I am not good enough for them. of course I felt frustrated cause this happened two or three times before.I was never thought that they're pushing a lil bit more harder than before and heck, I was totally felt like I've been isolated.I mean, why? you see this worries me.because it involving the important matter and it will be affect me too.if it's going to be like this for the rest of the year, I'm afraid that I can't continue any longer. 

fin

living a moment

Tried my best not to leave my blog on hiatus.It's really hate to see my blog without any updates actually.I stole some times to spend for blogging.It became contagious and it got all over me.which I didn't take that as a bad sign.this semester, we get busier.no chance to go back early, coursework/subjects briefing, BIG program (phase five), plus with the practicum this April, to adapt with kinda new style of studying or 'working'.only three papers to sit for an exam, while the rests are hundred percent coursework. I'm not sure whether I could cope with that.sounds all right, but we will be ridiculously haywire later to finish the tasks and chasing the datelines.know that it's not going to be easy. InsyaAllah, I prepared for the rough paths.nak jadi cikgu kan? haha.


This is life you see.Today, you might be laughing your ass off with your friends, having a nice conversation, chit-chatting or sharing gossip.It's fun. In fact, it's addictive.You wanna laugh like  almost every day.filled with happiness, blossomed with laughter. and the next day, you might spilled your coffee on your shirt, your heels broke,stuck on a traffic, forgot the agendas that you must do. and all you wanna do is cry.to cut short,you'd failed that day. You suck at life, that day.you lose the fun moment.but mind you that you gotta live that moment no matter how suck it is.I know it's bitter, but you gotta swallow it.because you can search that happiness again.it will come to you,naturally.everyday is your lucky day.be blessed, be grateful. don't forget as a muslim, give thanks to Allah. Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah..

:) 

cupful of gratitude

(the entry that supposed to be posted last year.)

I don't know when my blog started to become visible by others.best la kot.omygod.perasan sekejap.but,anyways.this post is especially for my honest followers.I wanna thank you for following my whatsoever-not-so-interesting blog in your list.I maybe don't know what have interest you in following mine,right? 

because this blog was private and I never told anyone that I have one.except for Am.I don't know when,where or how I told her that I created a blog.because without anyone knows.I could write all the things that I want.without people you know realizing it.so,it all started when I signed myself in the Teacher Trainee institute.with so many things to study and so many things happened here during the foundation years made me think and came across "I gotta note this.need to keep all these." and that's when I realize that I wanna create a blog.to keep the memories in.maybe I could just snap loads of photos but without words in it? it'll become meaningless.

so,I started to update some posts.which was in the first place very awkward for me to write.it's like you are talking to you.there's someone in your soul speaking to you.pretty creepy?haha.and I keep continue updating more and more and I become comfortable with it.its sort of the feeling of relaxation and mind peace that I got.I can just throw everything here.some people ask "why don't you make it private?" I mean,is that necessary? because I believe that people don't interested in what you are posted.because its related to your life,not theirs.so,I didn't think that people will read my posts.but.I was wrong.

first creating a blog.I ask someone "followers ni untuk ape?apa fungsi followers?" then she answered (tak ingat dah sape,sorry..) "Followers untuk sape2 yang nak follow blog kita.."
"ada ke yang nak follow?kenapa dia nak follow?"
"ye la..ada je..dia nak baca kita punya posts."

and I was thinking "wow,people do that? they really wanna know what other people are doing? unbelievable... " because I thought in the first place,it is not interesting to 'read' other's life(s).but now, I'm getting hang of it and started to accepting what is the purpose of 'followers'.

I don't mind if I don't have thousands of followers.because this blog is not meant to be read publicly in the first place.and now, I don't think that I wanna make it private anymore because I wanna let people from all over the world read what I have been through in my life.that's the important thing.so,that's why I appreciate that you have noted this and came across my blog.thank you so much.

xoxo,
R.

fin

=)

now boarding:Cambodia (photos)

please do enjoy. :)

passport-checked,purse-checked,phones-checked

packages

Subhanallah ain't it?

details you ought to fill before pass the border

because it's easier to walk with a flat ballet rather than heels

Zati smiling broadly.first timer. :)

after 50 minutes,Hello Cambodia.

rode that. :D

first makan..don't mind the oily faces.it's been a long day.hak

creepy much?

a small room for torture 

big pot to drown people.remember I told you about this?

school which been modified into prisons of torture

you don't get this sight in Malaysia

First dawn

lovely Zarina and the villagers

first Raya

these kids are so damn adorable

Made by Malaysia

Headed to Hotel Asia

woa..Axn.lol

last but not least.the souvenirs..

credit to my Galaxy Y.

excogitate (part 1)

February.another month that doesn't come easily to me.but,there's only one thing that I believe for sure.normal.everything will back in normal again.back on reality,stand on the real core of world with my two feet again.doing the same stuff all over again without any sides of unnecessary.don't panic.you don't have to understand what I mean.cause if you're trying too,you'll never get it.but,InsyaAllah.everything will back in normal.


yet.


those 'unkind' moments had gripped me to the weirdness and abnormality.I felt estranged by society for a while.It's like I've been lost into a 'new' world with full of uncertainty whether you can come out safely or will be dead, pride-less.but, there's people who daringly rip off the black holes of the new world and escape from brutalities.


I think I'm one of them.


just wait.I'm ready to pull the trigger at anytime.

A shine of hope

Things getting worse day by day. I could cry if I tell this part by part. Because sometimes, all I wanna do is give up. it’s easy to give up right? You just let go of everything and fuck what people say about you. I could cry if I’m thinking back all the things that happened to me even just looking at the white blank pages, sit silently. In the outside, I maybe look strong. deep inside. I’m bleeding. no one knows. I hate 2012. My vital certificate is lost, my laptop breaking down, finance problems, and stuff. Things happen absolutely ‘perfect’. And those are in just one month. I’m scared to face another day. Scared of what’s going to happen next. Scared to turn the pages and see if everything all rights. And sometimes, I wonder, why it has to be me?

There is the moment where I came across ‘I can’t do this anymore. I give up. I can’t handle this’ and thinking ‘somebody, please shoot me right now’. Silently I set my prayer. Ask for Allah’s help. Tell Him that I can’t do this anymore. But, He keeps giving more and more. The moment where I lost my hope and keep saying ‘my life is over’. I locked myself out from the real world, where there’s no hope. Usually, when I’m facing problems, I always have plan A, B or C. If I can’t go with plan A, then, I’ll go with plan B. but, there was one day when I realize sometimes in life. You don’t really have a Plan B or C. what if the only plan that works is plan A?

I was lost. I was thinking that my life was already scattered like a broken glass.

I lost hope.

Lose my appetite to eat. Sleeping disorder. Paranoid. Start to worry about everything.

Grateful that Ayah is the best man in the world. Helped me to carry the burden and console me. thanks Ayah. Mak started to worry too.  And this is where I suddenly realize that my housemates ARE my bestfriends. The ironic thing is you keep praising a friend that you think she is your best friend forever but when it came to this. You know that she’s not. I’ve spent my whole five years to earn that certificate. I tried my best to score in the exam to earn that damn certificate and all you gotta say is it’s not a big matter? I was in awe. Couldn’t believe it came through your mouth. While a friend that I thought just a so-so friend kept consoling me by saying ‘don’t worry. Together we’ll find it.’ Even though you cannot just believe hundred percent of what she’s saying but at least those words are promising.

Little did I know..when my soul is helpless and seemed lost in the dark. There is a hope. There is one hope. And yes. Because Allah never leaves me alone..

John called and set a procedure for me how to fill the form and apply for new certificate. I cried a bit. Felt touched and grateful. I realize that, the hope is always there. You have to find it and seek for it. There is someone who gives me hope and share the burden. John has done a very good job as a brother. He never says no. He’ll somehow figure out the problems for me. He knows that I’m the only younger sister that she had. He needs to take care of this spoiled brat. Maybe it was good thing that he lost his certificate too. Haha. Just want to say sometimes, we share the same fate.

But, thank You Allah. For these obstacles. Thank You for giving me such a good family. Thank You. For everything.

because you know you gotta stay strong.  =)

ancient memoir

one of the reason why I love Yuna.
she always do something that I PLAN to do (in the future).I love travelling.and I wish I could go travel like this with someone special.cewah.perasan.
besides, this is the moment where you want to see the other side of the world.bila lagi kan?

vital entri.

when we're talking about life.it comes to marriage.I took this from iluvislam cause it's important.if it's not for you,then. it is crucial for me.marriage and future husband are always in my prayer.what about you?

Nikah Awal Jalan Terbaik?

Zaman sekarang adalah zaman yang sangat mencabar.

Mencabar! Kerana setiap saat, setiap waktu, setiap hari, setiap detik, anak muda remaja dan belia kita dibom dari segenap penjuru dengan pelbagai bentuk godaan peluru berpandu yang membangkitkan naluri seksual masing-masing.

Biasalah apabila sudah baligh, umur meningkat, tiada godaan sekalipun, keinginan akan timbul juga secara automatiknya. Maka secara logiknya, pasti keinginan seksual itu boleh terangsang berpuluh lipat kali ganda dan berlaku pada tahap yang lebih awal lagi. Masalah pergaulan bebas sangat membimbangkan sehingga berlaku penzinaan.

Apakah jalan terbaik untuk selesaikan masalah ini?

Apakah jalan untuk selamatkan spiritual anak kita ?

Apakah jalan terbaik untuk selamatkan masyarakat kita?

Tidak boleh hendak menyalahkan ibu bapa yang tidak boleh awasi mereka 24 jam, dan tidak boleh hendak menyalahkan anak muda semata kerana cabaran yang melampau sana sini.

Oleh yang demikian, beberapa langkah boleh diambil bagi meringankan kekusutan masalah ini.

Yang pertama, kahwin awal itu penting, kerana ia menjaga spiritual anak-anak kita dari dikotori.

Maka, masyarakat harus berusaha mencari jalan untuk membolehkan anak-anak muda ini kahwin awal untuk memastikan jiwa dan spiritual anak itu sentiasa bersih. Dan perkahwinan hanya satu-satunya jalan untuk memenuhi keinginan seksual secara sah dan diredhai Allah.

Dan Islam memang menggalakkan anak-anak muda itu supaya kahwin awal. Kerana Islam itu melihat jiwa anak-anak pasti akan terancam lebih-lebih lagi dengan godaan yang datang"attack" dari pelbagai arah dalam masa yang sama. Di dalam al-Quran, Allah berfirman:

"Dan kahwinkanlah orang-orang yang bujang di antara kamu. Jika mereka miskin, Allah akan memberi kemampuan kepada mereka..." (24:32)

Memang benar anak muda diajar untuk berpuasa bagi menahan nafsu, menjaga pandangan dan sebagainya, tetapi sampai bila?

Bukan mudah untuk mengawal keinginan nafsu, dan mereka ini sentiasa berhadapan dengan godaan terus-menerus, setiap detik, setiap ketika, yang boleh mennyebabkan'nerve breakdown', jiwa tertekan, anak muda akan susah hendak memberi tumpuan dalam pembelajaran.

Akhirnya itu yang mencari jalan belakang, jalan senyap-senyap, jalan sembunyi untuk memenuhi keperluan semulajadi ini yang kita usaha untuk cuba elakkan.

Tetapi, hendak kahwin awal bukan senang. Ibu bapa mahu anak-anak habis belajar dahulu, selepas itu, matang pemikirannya, ada kedudukannya, hantaran RM15000-30000 (tepuk dahi), kemudian kewangan untuk anak-anak yang bakal lahir lagi. Maka kahwin awal itu seperti sesuatu yang rumit. Impossible!

Maka, di sini ada disenaraikan beberapa jalan untnk membantu anak-anak muda zaman sekarang kahwin awal:

1. "Kewangan support" dari ibu bapa yang mempunyai kewangan yang baik. Ibu bapa yang berkemampuan memang digalakkan supaya menyokong anak-anak ni supaya kahwin awal dan bantu yang mana perlu. Kalau Islam itu menggalakkan kita untuk menolong orang susah, orang miskin, apatah lagi menolong anak sendiri sehingga mereka boleh berdikari, pasti banyak dan melimpah-ruah lagi ganjarannya.

2. "Komuniti support" . Sekiranya kita mempunyai islamic organisasi yang menyediakan dana untuk menolong anak-anak ini kahwin awal. Mengikut sejarah , satu ketika seorang lelaki ditangkap dan dibawa ke Saidina Ali atas perlakuan yang tidak sopan. Selepas Ali memberikan hukuman yang sepatutnya, beliau mengahwinkan pemuda ini dengan menggunakan kewangan negara. Maka di sini Saidina Ali telah memberi contoh bagaimana masyarakat boleh menolong orang muda untuk berkahwin.

3."Perkahwinan tanpa beban kewangan". Iaitu si teruna dan dara itu bolehlah melaksanakan "akad" sahaja untuk menghalalkan hubungan. Tetapi mereka boleh tangguh dari membuat majlis perkahwinan yang menelan kos itu, mungkin selepas habis belajar, sudah bekerjakemudian apabila duit sudah banyak, kita boleh meraikannya. Dan mereka ini dibenarkan saling berjumpa kerana mempunyai hubungan yang halal.

4. Mereka menjalankan akad dan majlis perkahwinan,tetapi tangguh juga dari menimang anak, dan hidup with "simple lifestyle". Maka dengan cara ni juga, mereka dapat memenuhi naluri masing-masing, dan dalam masa yang sama beban kewangan itu dapat dielakkan.

Ya...begitulah beberapa cadangan yang boleh dijadikan panduan tetapi diingatkan di sini, pengawasan ibu bapa, konsultasi dengan ibu bapa sangat-sangatlah penting dan kritikal dalam mengatur perkara ini.

Kami langsung tidak menyokong idea si teruna dan si dara buat keputusan sendiri tanpa"input" dari ibu bapa, dan tanpa mendapat restu hubungan mereka. Ini adalah penting untuk melindungi reputasi pihak perempuan terutamanya jika perkara yang tidak dijangka berlaku. Ibu bapa mainkan peranan yang sangat penting.

Sekiranya kita khusus untuk ibu bapa mengharapkan anak-anak ni supaya kewangan mereka"steady" dahulu selepas itu baru boleh berkahwin, mereka akan mengambil masa yang lama dan berkemungkinan dalam tempoh itu akan berlaku perkara yang tidak diingini.

Maka, apabila kita memahami perspektif dari sudut pandangan Islam yang menggalakkan perkahwinan awal, maka kita boleh lihat bukan perkara mustahil bagi pelajar-pelajar, untuk berkahwin dan dalam masa yang sama meneruskan pelajaran mereka, tinggal bersama di rumah ibu bapa, atau satu bilik yang disewa di universiti. Mereka boleh teruskan kehidupan yang sama mudahnya sepertimana kehidupan mereka sebagai pelajar.

Kahwin awal itu memang digalakkan, tetapi mental dan emosional, ilmu perlu diperlengkapkan supaya masing-masing menyedari tanggungjawab dalam kehidupan berumahtangga. TAQWA, mesti penuh di dada, barulah rumah tangga itu bercahaya.

-Artikel iluvislam.com

Sumber Grafik: Google Image

kak zu: tengok la citer stanza cinta kt tv3.best citer dia..
me: ......


I don't know if I'm ready to watch that kind of drama.like Nur Kasih, Ayat-ayat cinta or syurga Cinta.
though I tried to entertain myself with those dramas but I'd never manage to watch it till the end.tengok citer ketika cinta bertasbih pun tak abis.I've never watched Ayat-ayat cinta before.people said that drama was nice and sad.rasa nak tengok, but at the end.I never have the verge to watch it.


ironically, I'm in love with love songs. =)

let go

hardest part in learning: let go.

I should ignore this feeling and this feeling should not be existed a long time ago.

I should not.A lot of istighfar will do.

to get rid of this stupid unnecessary feeling. 

emotionally distracted

I secretly cried a little in class today.cause of some stupid things that I have to do which is not involving my liking or passion to do it.but, it's a responsibility.so, I got no other choice.I didn't think that I took that challenge pretty well.ok.I'll try it next semester.yesterday and today are very stressful.wait.I don't think 'stressful' is the right word.but, what I'm trying to say is, I got so many things that need to be finish it early.go here and there.see the lecturers here and there.tu belum masuk courseworks lagi.cross to that.I have so many presentations for the next week's class.let me count.ELT Method presentation, BMM presentation, submit coursework BMM and EDU, etc.uughhh


but, yesterday was the most tiring.I should be sleeping by now.cause I don't think that I have enough rest since yesterday.I yawned so many times during Madam Roslin's lecture hours.sorry madam.but, my class looks incredibly awesome! kemas and attractive.got no pictures to put it here.maybe next time.my eyes are half open.so,'goodnight'.