off the grid

The first two weeks were the worst, horrible, depressing weeks that I've ever faced. never knew that the second heartbreak would be sad like this but um..I made it. I managed to get through this, Well, it wasn't that easy. I was literally lying on the floor. crying my heart out. (thank god for not throwing things on the wall) never knew it ripped my whole world apart. 

But, I'm trying to regain back. 

To take charge, to take control of my heart again. 

perhaps, Allah knew. I was stronger than I think.. things are coming back to me. 

Happiness just fall into place again. 

Allah is near so I didn't look far. 

This is just another heartbreak story. 

sure everybody is afraid to even go near this place but that I guess it will make you feel stronger. 

just keeping all the positive thoughts come flooding in my head. honestly, I need to go out there.

 just literally go out, 

take a walk, eat outside. meet someone talk you're comfortable with. 

talk it out and I did. 

It wasn't bad as I thought. 

maybe that's what you do. when you're facing the heartbreak, when you failed the exam, when you're facing depression, when you're getting fat or haven't had a great year..

you start over

you start over again

you flip the new page and start to write it down

new pen

new ink

maybe that's what Taylor Swift always said to us. start to shake it off all the bad things sticking in your head. it wasn't bad after all. To chase away all the things that make you feel sad and negative. and probably one of the things that's just make me satisfy is, I didn't regret the decision that I made. fact, I felt relieved. to stop holding on a man like that. I know what I'm doing so, I knew better. what I wanted. what kind of man that deserve to be with. you don't have to judge. I know what I'm doing. 

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve a relationship that enables me to sleep peacefully at night

I deserve a man who wouldn't second guess of what he wanted

who wouldn't hesitate 

I couldn't be with a guy who wasn't sure what's he's really doing

A man who couldn't stand up for himself wasn't really a man after all

so man up and make your decision

but I don't mind really.

I have made a lot of effort.

turns out it was me after all

who just keep pushing him in into all seriousness

and I'm tired really

to keep pushing on people to put an effort for you while he in the fact that doesn't really trying 

it's just a shame but lesson learned

don't wait too long

but yeah..you can't just standing there hoping there's any any just in case

a miracle happens and he comes back to you and everything start to feel alright again

no

you move on

you find new chances

you explore new experiences

meet new people

things won't be the same and even if it did happen

my feelings to you won't be the same anymore

I simply taking over a new leaf

and start afresh 

honestly I don't know how much times that I've already start over and over and over again

but don't you see what I'm doing?

I don't want to give up

out of love

just because my love towards you doesn't work

I shut all my doors

it's not fair 

at least not fair for myself 

I need to give other people chances

so come whatever or whoever that may

just wait til it fully heal

when everything becomes normal again

when I found my happiness again

when I regain back all my feelings

it will take a month, a year in fact

but doesn't matter.

I am delighted to say that I'm officially off the grid now. 

I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna allow myself to take all the time she wants. because she deserves it all. 

:) 

living a moment

Tried my best not to leave my blog on hiatus.It's really hate to see my blog without any updates actually.I stole some times to spend for blogging.It became contagious and it got all over me.which I didn't take that as a bad sign.this semester, we get busier.no chance to go back early, coursework/subjects briefing, BIG program (phase five), plus with the practicum this April, to adapt with kinda new style of studying or 'working'.only three papers to sit for an exam, while the rests are hundred percent coursework. I'm not sure whether I could cope with that.sounds all right, but we will be ridiculously haywire later to finish the tasks and chasing the datelines.know that it's not going to be easy. InsyaAllah, I prepared for the rough paths.nak jadi cikgu kan? haha.


This is life you see.Today, you might be laughing your ass off with your friends, having a nice conversation, chit-chatting or sharing gossip.It's fun. In fact, it's addictive.You wanna laugh like  almost every day.filled with happiness, blossomed with laughter. and the next day, you might spilled your coffee on your shirt, your heels broke,stuck on a traffic, forgot the agendas that you must do. and all you wanna do is cry.to cut short,you'd failed that day. You suck at life, that day.you lose the fun moment.but mind you that you gotta live that moment no matter how suck it is.I know it's bitter, but you gotta swallow it.because you can search that happiness again.it will come to you,naturally.everyday is your lucky day.be blessed, be grateful. don't forget as a muslim, give thanks to Allah. Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah..

:) 

A shine of hope

Things getting worse day by day. I could cry if I tell this part by part. Because sometimes, all I wanna do is give up. it’s easy to give up right? You just let go of everything and fuck what people say about you. I could cry if I’m thinking back all the things that happened to me even just looking at the white blank pages, sit silently. In the outside, I maybe look strong. deep inside. I’m bleeding. no one knows. I hate 2012. My vital certificate is lost, my laptop breaking down, finance problems, and stuff. Things happen absolutely ‘perfect’. And those are in just one month. I’m scared to face another day. Scared of what’s going to happen next. Scared to turn the pages and see if everything all rights. And sometimes, I wonder, why it has to be me?

There is the moment where I came across ‘I can’t do this anymore. I give up. I can’t handle this’ and thinking ‘somebody, please shoot me right now’. Silently I set my prayer. Ask for Allah’s help. Tell Him that I can’t do this anymore. But, He keeps giving more and more. The moment where I lost my hope and keep saying ‘my life is over’. I locked myself out from the real world, where there’s no hope. Usually, when I’m facing problems, I always have plan A, B or C. If I can’t go with plan A, then, I’ll go with plan B. but, there was one day when I realize sometimes in life. You don’t really have a Plan B or C. what if the only plan that works is plan A?

I was lost. I was thinking that my life was already scattered like a broken glass.

I lost hope.

Lose my appetite to eat. Sleeping disorder. Paranoid. Start to worry about everything.

Grateful that Ayah is the best man in the world. Helped me to carry the burden and console me. thanks Ayah. Mak started to worry too.  And this is where I suddenly realize that my housemates ARE my bestfriends. The ironic thing is you keep praising a friend that you think she is your best friend forever but when it came to this. You know that she’s not. I’ve spent my whole five years to earn that certificate. I tried my best to score in the exam to earn that damn certificate and all you gotta say is it’s not a big matter? I was in awe. Couldn’t believe it came through your mouth. While a friend that I thought just a so-so friend kept consoling me by saying ‘don’t worry. Together we’ll find it.’ Even though you cannot just believe hundred percent of what she’s saying but at least those words are promising.

Little did I know..when my soul is helpless and seemed lost in the dark. There is a hope. There is one hope. And yes. Because Allah never leaves me alone..

John called and set a procedure for me how to fill the form and apply for new certificate. I cried a bit. Felt touched and grateful. I realize that, the hope is always there. You have to find it and seek for it. There is someone who gives me hope and share the burden. John has done a very good job as a brother. He never says no. He’ll somehow figure out the problems for me. He knows that I’m the only younger sister that she had. He needs to take care of this spoiled brat. Maybe it was good thing that he lost his certificate too. Haha. Just want to say sometimes, we share the same fate.

But, thank You Allah. For these obstacles. Thank You for giving me such a good family. Thank You. For everything.

because you know you gotta stay strong.  =)

we can stand by our own without you

thinking about the attitude of them make me want to throw some pies at their faces.the dis-likeness become more obvious and obvious.why is it so hard to lend a hand.bukannya susah sangat pun.we are classmates, is is so hard? facing their faces in the class, I think that won't be hard.but, having a conversation with them? I don't think so.I'll not going to entertain you guys anymore.this is the last straw.last night at the hall, we were tried so hard to built up the notice boards, did you guys know how heavy that thing is? and how long that we are (LADIES) here can hold on to that boards.and WE are the LADIES have to carry the weight of the boards all the way down.don't you ever think of that? don't ever concern how we (the LADIES) are going to carry some heavy tables and put at our lot? some were looking, wondering were the guys in our class.some even asked about them and is is ashamed that other classes know about their attitude.If you lazy enough to help us, why don't you just at least show up your faces and telling that 'I'm here, if you need any help.' susah sangat ke? takkan nak kena call dulu, baru nak datang.but, even if we called,would you ever show up? ask yourself dude.if you have a pride, then screw up.cause you guys don't have it.I'm sorry.you don't have it.but,remember, that Allah itu Maha Adil.Alhamdulillah..without your help, we manage to carry on the exhibition nicely and even though there is no helping hands of the guys, Allah gives us the strength to carry on, we can still manage to packed all things up.pandai-pandailah fikir yang mana baik dan yang mana buruk, you guys are grown up already and be thought how to respect a lady even though we are not your special ones.






we are ladies,so,act like a gentleman.

La Tahzan

my brother shared a link in Fb.it's a wonderful speech from Dr. Mohd Asri Zainal Abidin.I don't really have time to share in blog cause it takes time to download it.but feel free to open my wall.I have to tell you, it is really touching speech.yes.we tend to forget.about all the things that Allah has give to us.and we always take it for granted.

being honest is crucial

If you're picky.just say that you are.
if you don't like sandwich or peanut butter, just say yes.
why you wanna suffer yourself from things that's not you.
be honest.then,people will get you.


=)